I was just thinking.....

The last thing on earth I wanted to hear...

2011-09-13T21:21:00.004-04:00

was my store manager at the gas station tell me all about her bathroom exploits after eating an entire plate of brussel sprouts.

Can we say... TOO MUCH INFORMATION?!

Thought I was going to die.

On another work related note, I did notice one of my coworkers has developed black pits in a few of his teeth, up along the gum line. Very surprising, considering he had somewhat normal, healthy looking teeth just a few months ago. I hope he hasn't gotten himself involved in some sort of drug abuse situation. That could be very bad....

Lastly, and FINALLY, I've changed that antiquated profile picture I've been sporting since 2007. Gave myself a mini-makeover on Sunday, and I'm still trying to get used to the new look. I'm not quite sure what I think of it yet, but, it's hard to tell at first. Sometimes change takes time to get used to, what you see in your mind's eye isn't at all what you actually see in real life.

Considering I'm one of those people who are naturally insecure about their appearance to begin with, even slight changes cause me great pains....

Kids and Vegetables

2011-09-10T17:40:00.003-04:00

I know what you're thinking.

Kids? Vegetables?? Oil and water....

But, I'm here to say, not my kids. My kids LOVE vegetables. What could possibly be wrong with this scenario?

I spent the better part of an hour this morning yelling at my kids to QUIT fighting over the carrot sticks.

I can think of better ways to start my day.

Can I start over at the beginning?

2011-09-09T21:36:00.002-04:00

What a day from hell!

Discovered the cashier forgot to take the theft senser off my sweater last night when I stepped through the door at work this morning. I immediately set off the alarm, catching the attention of EVERY Kohl's employee within a 50 mile radius.

Attempted to portray a professional and business like persona only to have it thwarted by my 17 year old son when he SHOWED UP at Kohl's and had me paged out of my INTERVIEWS! He apparently wiped out on his 4 wheeler last night and showed up looking for sympathy and a parent to excuse him from school. If his foot hadn't been the size of a tree trunk, I would have kicked his ass.

Discovered I lost my car keys 5 hours after I got to work. Would not have found the keys had I not been arguing with my ex in the parking lot.... One of the sales girls overheard me and graciously told me they had found a set of keys at register one and that I should take a look in the drawer and see if they were mine.

Thank GOD for small miracles.

Screamed at the top of my lungs when my downstairs neighbor somehow managed to get behind me without my noticing, and said 'hi'. I apologized, and trying to rationalize that I'm not normally that jumpy.... The problem is, I think I kind of 'am' that jumpy.

I hope all my readers out there are having a better day than what I've had.....

For the third day in a row....

2011-09-05T16:26:00.002-04:00

The house was locked up and EMPTY when I drove out to pick my kids up after work.

I'm totally pissed.

When I called Charlie to ask him where the fuck everyone is, he says to me "I'm on my way into town. How am I supposed to know what your schedule is??"

Fucking PRICK!!

It's a SET schedule. I work these SAME hours EVERY Monday!!!

Time to start making his life miserable for a change. It's been a while since I've been this fucking pissed off at his miserable ass.

Looks like I'll be calling Friend of the Court tomorrow. This situation needs to finally be put to rest, and it's clearly obvious, he and I aren't capable of working things out on our own.

Prick! Prick! Prick! Prick! Prick!!!!!!!!

The problem with having a name like Sherri?

2011-09-03T20:08:00.003-04:00

Men always feel like they have to burst out in song when they say your name.

A black guy in golf clothes with an orange towel on his shoulder burst out in song as he stepped up to the register today. As if the bad teeth and horrible singing voice weren't bad enough, his main focus for today's shopping trip was to pick up orange Zig Zag's and a Black and Mild cigar.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

Hopelessly Addicted

2011-09-03T07:06:00.002-04:00

Curse you Facebook!!!

All your allure, and time sucking charm......

You would think a woman with 2 jobs and 3 kids would value what little spare time she has 'enough' to spend what little of it she gets doing something a lot more productive than harvesting imaginary crops and populating imaginary cities.

Yet, here I am, day after day, waking up just a little earlier than I have to, bringing the laptop to bed with me at night, craving the satisfaction of knowing all of my electronic time wasters will be there next time I log in, waiting for me to accomplish new set of tasks.

As Susan Powter once screamed, "Stop the insanity!"

Do Not Eat

2011-09-01T20:53:00.002-04:00

Why do you suppose they put that warning on the outside of desiccate packs?

Let me tell you...

I bought a package of pepperoni tonight to make cheese and cracker snacks for my kids and I. Barely paying attention to what I was doing because my kids were on my fucking LAST nerve, I popped a few slices of what I thought were pepperonis into my mouth.

It was NOT a pretty sight.

A gritty pocket of bitter sand burst into my mouth as I bit through the desiccate packaging and released it's contents.

I've never tasted anything so horrible in my life.

God help me if I sprout a third arm and suddenly develop the ability to move things with my mind as a result of all this.....

Insecurities

2011-08-31T17:36:00.002-04:00

I'm having a bad day today.

Bad things haven't happened to me, but I'm filled with insecurity and doubt, wishing my life was in a million ways different.

Loneliness has taken it's toll on me, I think. I'm beginning to wonder if this is how I'm going to be spending the rest of my life.

I certainly hope not....

Watch your damn kids!!

2011-08-30T19:25:00.003-04:00

That's exactly what the guy with the classic, baby blue Impala said to me when my neighbor's daughter threw an open can of root beer at his car.

I wanted to die.

Not only was it NOT my kid, her mother was standing RIGHT THERE!

I can't imagine, for the life of me, how a person can let their children be so out of control. What type of person just sends their kids across the street because they're hungry?

For Christ's sake, I'm a single mother to!

Today I decided, I've had enough. I am not letting her borrow my car anymore. I am not feeding her kids only to have my own go without. I am not going to wind up spending my every spare moment of my day watching her brats.

Most of the day went well, mainly because I made an excuse to not be home all day, but as usual, it all came crashing to a screeching halt.

Kitty asked me if I had any Mt. Dew.

Of COURSE I had Mt. Dew, considering it's my drink of choice, and I couldn't bring myself to tell her no. The next thing I know, her oldest daughter is running down my stairs asking me if she could have an orange juice. Again I couldn't say no.

Before I knew it, 6 orange juices were gone, most of my hard salami, and half a pound of colby cheese.

I was pissed!

Grabbing my cup and throwing out the garbage her kids had thrown all over my driveway, I told them all it was time for my kids and I to go upstairs.

To be honest, my last nerve had been worked and I was about a breath away from telling them all to just FUCK off.

What kind of person just goes over to someone elses house and makes themselves at home in their fridge?

Does she think I'm rich or something?

It's time for me to pull out the turtle shell. I have a feeling I'm going to have to get ugly and be mean in order to get the point across. Apparently telling her kids they aren't allowed in my apartment and they can't get into my cupboards and refridgerator isn't concise enough to get the point across.

The County Clerk

2010-11-02T15:28:00.003-04:00

I awoke this morning to find a pair of thong underpants hanging from the rear view mirror of my car and a note on the passenger side telling me that if I like old guys so much I should start a business. There was a crudely drawn picture of a penis toward the bottom and a fake phone number that said "1-800-suck dick."

He's a crafty one, isn't he.

So, tired of all the bull shit, I went to the city police department and filed a complaint. I then went to the county clerks office and filed for a personal protection order.

He has made my life just absolutely miserable.

My whole life has been hard, I guess I should expect this to be too. Why would I expect anything less from someone who has never once ever put any thought into me. It has always been, all about him.

Halloween, a complete nightmare.

2010-11-01T16:59:00.002-04:00

Doing anything at all, with Charlie, is a struggle for me. Just being around him leaves me upset and at the brink of tears more often than not.

I wish he would just crawl into a hole somewhere and die.

Last night was no different, holiday or not. Between being urged to become a prostitute and being put down for my looks, it was impossible for me to enjoy my favorite night of the year with Thomas and Hannah.

I hate Charlie for making me feel terrible about myself. I hate him more because he finds such delight in destroying me emotionally.

He didn't deserve someone like me.

Now I will forever pay the price of thinking that I could somehow manage to make my life normal with that monster.

Open mouth, insert foot.

2010-10-31T01:48:00.003-04:00

I feel like the stupid person who asks the fat woman when her baby is due.

Utterly horrified.

A man walks up to the counter tonight with 2 cases of Bush beer. Amused at his shirtless chest and black leather vest, I take a minute to scope out his entire outfit. Leather arm cuffs, beads, feathers.... Indian? It is, after all, the night before Halloween. Already I have seen a cereal killer, a pregnant nun, Bugsy, and a french maid.

"Let me guess, you're the indian from the Village People," laughing hysterically, I'm completely unable to contain myself.

"Where," Squanto is scanning the gas station for this person who is dressed like one of the Village People.

Where??? Did he actually say where???

Holy crap! This guy isn't actually wearing a costume. He's dressed like this for real!

Attempting to save face, I casually changed the subject by asking him where his jacket was, it was like 35 degrees outside. This backfired as well, however, and he stood there in silence while I tendered his sale.

Needless to say, I doubt this guy will be frequenting the store any time soon.

"Don't I know you?"

2010-10-03T12:08:00.002-04:00

When I was in high school, I went to school with a guy who would eventually become a convicted sex offender that would spend time in prison.

The creepy thing is, I bumped paths with him last night at work.

He was in my checkout line and I pretended to not know him.

"Didn't I graduate with you?"

"No, I don't think so."

"You look very familiar, even your name is familiar."

"Hmmmm..... I don't think so. I graduated downstate."

Granted, the graduating downstate part is true, but the rest was a lie. I knew exactly who he was. The instant I saw him I knew who he was, and the look of recognition on his face told me he knew who I was.

I hope he doesn't start stopping at the shell to get gas all the time now.

The Move

2010-10-01T18:17:00.003-04:00

A lot of things have changed for me recently.

Let me just start with the biggie.

On September 19 I left Charlie. I rented a one bedroom apartment and moved out with little more than the clothes on my back.

A new chapter of my life is starting, and I have to say, it's a little bit scary. I have Charlie harassing me on the phone and at work constantly now. It drives me insane.... I gave him everything. I walked away from my house, and my jeep, nearly every last piece of furniture I have.

I wish he would just leave me alone. When I was there, he was never home. He never helped me, I ran that house single handed.

Now he is practically my shadow, following just behind my every step.

I don't understand what I did to deserve such a fucked up life.

Am I really going to run a 5k?

2010-08-07T12:35:00.002-04:00

I don't know if I can.

I have yet to make it to the 5k mark. So disappointing....

"It's only creepy when they tap me on the shoulder."

2010-07-31T00:11:00.003-04:00

Just how is it that the skinniest of people are usually the ones who eat the most?

I would kill to be one of those people.

I look at a piece of cheesecake and I gain 10 lbs., 20 if I give it a whiff.

A skinny guy with an arm load of junk food and drinks remarked to me today, "I hope this is enough to get me to Detroit."

"I'm pretty sure that's enough. How many people are you traveling with?" I couldn't help but chuckle to myself as I said this. On the counter before me sat a fountain pop, a Brisk raspberry iced tea, 2 king sized peanut butter cup packages, a bag of popcorn, a bag of beef jerky, a Monster energy drink, a fruit pie, and a package of donuts.

"Just me and a dead lady."

"I don't think I want to know any more about this dead lady," WTF??? Did he really say dead lady?? I glanced back at the guy immediately in line behind Snack Food Guy. He is staring at me, with I'm certain the same 'deer in the headlights' I was giving him.

"Really, I am driving a hearse. I don't think she'll be eating much but she's an excellent listener." It is now Snack Food Guy's turn to chuckle. Glancing out into the parking lot, sure enough, I see a big black hearse parked next to pump 3.

"Holy crap! Thank God! I thought you were a murder or something!" The guy in line behind the Snack Food Guy is now cracking up.

I had no idea people in the funeral business were so funny.

Snack Food Guy literally had me in stitches as he joked and told stories about his business.

A Guy Named Jeff

2010-07-27T00:58:00.002-04:00

Jeff showed up at the station again today. I know I'm making way too much out of this, but I just think it's so unnerving.

In case you don't know who Jeff is, I'll enlighten you.

Imagine an 18 year old Sherri who has just moved to Gaylord. Young, and clueless, she starts dating a guy named Jeff who she had originally thought had a crush on Jessica, but it turned out she was incorrect.

Now, imagine an already sexually active Jeff, as he begins dating Sherri.

The poor guy didn't know what was in store for him.

I'll never forget the first date we had. We sat in his car, outside Jessica's house, and talked for a little while. He had leaned in to kiss me, and I start to laugh. Hysterically. Utterly and completely humiliatingly hysterical laughter.

We did end up getting a kiss in, a peck on the lips, but I'll never forget that moment for as long as I live.

I ended up dumping Jeff, only a few weeks later, because I just wasn't ready to have that adult of a relationship with him. Now, 18 years later, this guy has entered my life again.

Via the shell station.

One of these days he's going to have to break down and say something to me. I've seen his kids, his friends, and his bad habits. I can't wait to see what his wife looks like, she has yet to be on any of his visits.

Life on the 45th Parallel

2010-07-26T01:01:00.003-04:00

How is it possible that everything has changed, yet nothing is really changed at all?

I don't know, but it is.

My life is so very different now, from the way it was when I first started this blog. No longer do I have the comfort and security of the job I once had, the one I had complained about so many times on here. Yet, I have a job. Definitely not as prestigious as my old job, but it is definitely a source of humor in my life.

I am a gas station employee, of all things.

No longer do I have just 2 boys, my preteen and my toddler. I now have a full fledged, license bearing teenage boy, an elementary school aged son, and a toddler daughter!!

I honestly don't know how I handle it all, but I do.

Working the night shift at the shell station has proven to be quite an experience, I must say. At 10:30 tonight two men came strolling in, practically scaring the hell out of me.

"Hey, maybe you can tell me, where is the closest 'adult' bar around here," guy number one says to me, not one shred of humility in sight.

"Adult? Like, topless?" I ask, a little shocked that this was even a topic of conversation.

"Well, yeah!" Guy number two has now eagerly joined the conversation.

"We don't have any topless bars around here, you're in 'the sticks'." I kind of chuckle to myself at the disappointment in these two guy's faces.

Are they serious??

"Well, I guess that's the price you pay for being in 'the sticks'. In Dallas we have 2 on every street corner." On that note, he turned on his heel, and headed for the restroom.

Now, I have to say, these guys were total rejects. Bald, sun burned and peeling, basket ball shorts with button down tops..... I could go on, but it would become redundant. I am left wondering if these two had intended on hiring a couple of girls to do, you know what.

Yikes!!

Thank God we don't have any topless bars here in 'the sticks'. I would feel bad for the girls who ended up servicing these guys.

What a beautiful day today....

2009-11-08T13:44:00.003-05:00

We'll probably get a foot of snow tomorrow.

I can tell my daughter is feeling better now. Already today I've had to fish a brand new roll of toilet paper out of the toilet, sweep up a box of cereal, and cut a sucker out of her hair.

She hardly had any to begin with!

Which reminds me, it's about time to post a recent picture of them on here, isn't it.

"There's a dead body in the trunk."

2009-11-07T20:35:00.003-05:00

Thomas says to me as we're heading down the parking lot at Walmart.

"What?" I say to him. Did he really say 'dead body'?

"There's a dead body in that trunk. I saw it's arm and leg." He's serious, his brows furrowed.

"A dead body?" I question. He did say dead body.

"See," he's pointing to a car next to us as we walk past.

"We don't have time to do this Thomas, I've got to pick up groceries."

"You're just a big chicken, aren't you," he is laughing now, he thinks I'm afraid to look at the dead body. I can't help but laugh to myself. Glancing over my shoulder, I see the fake arm and leg sticking out of the trunk of the car.

Sale Stealing

2009-11-06T19:40:00.003-05:00

The store manager stole my sale today. It totally ticked me off. When the total value of my worth is based on sales per house and units per transaction, it is necessary that I get my salesS! I never knew what retail sales people went through until I started this job.... I hate it. Those of you out there who shop at places like Dressbarn, keep in mind one important thing. When you think the sales people are being too pushy and asking too many questions, it isn't because they necessarily want to. They are forced to. When your manager is breathing down your neck watching your every move because it's time for your monthly evaluation, you have no choice.

On a positive note: I had my monthly evaluation today and the store manager said I was doing well. My yearly eval comes due next month. I can't believe I made it an entire year already....

I'm broke, thirsty, and totally irritated.....

2009-11-04T18:36:00.002-05:00

and I really want my old template back.

I've hated working at Dressbarn long enough to discover that I really don't care whether or not I get fired for blogging. So, I'm just going to do it.

I went home sick on Tuesday. I wasn't really sick, I just didn't want to work. I could see a woman sitting out in her car waiting for us to open, no doubt with a bag full of returns and a few sorry excuses as to why she didn't want anything.

You know, I don't really care why you bought a bag full of stuff that was too small. I don't believe you when you tell me that our clothes run small.

THEY DON'T!

You're just fatter then you want to believe, tubby. And, here's another thing, if you would just try them on before you leave the story, you would know you look like a stuffed sausage in those jeans that are at least 2 sizes too small for you.

I know I shouldn't hate the public as much as I do, I just can't help it. When I have to peel bloody band aids from the wall by the shoes and wipe boogers off the mirrors in the fitting room, there is just something wrong. The public DISGUSTS me. Or, I should say, WOMEN in the public disgust me.

Miss me??

2009-05-17T01:31:00.004-04:00

Boy, it's been a while, hasn't it. I've definitely got to get back into my blogging routine again. I miss it.

Do people still blog anymore?

It has been my curse for many years that people tend to divulge all sorts of information to me, most of which I'd never care to know to begin with. The hardest part of being a fashionista is the fact that I'm now forced to small talk my way through sales and keep husbands and boyfriends occupied while their wives and girlfriends wander through the store looking for the latest styles.

On Wednesday I waited on a man and his wife who were shopping for an outfit for the wife to wear to a wedding.

In the period of time it took for the wife to try on a few outfits and use the bathroom I learned that the husband had been a single dad, his wife had left him when his 2 kids were 8 and 11, he had been a respiratory therapist up until November when he came down with a respiratory disease, he had been mistaken for Hank Williams Jr. on several occasions in the past, he had formerly sported long black hair that drove the women wild, and he had only been married to his current wife for 2 years.

I think he may have been trying to hit on me, actually. Yikes!

The store manager happened to be standing by the register when the husband went into his detailed account of his Hank Williams Jr. days. I could see her, through the corner of my eye, staring openly at this guy in disbelief, mouth agape.

Apparently nobody EVER tells her the intimate details of their every day life. I told her she was lucky.

A Guy Named Al

2009-02-17T21:23:00.002-05:00

Have you ever looked off into the distance and found a set of eyes staring back at you?

I was in Walmart earlier today picking up a few items when I came across a friend of mine from previous employment. Like I do with everyone I see that I used to work with, we chatted for about 10 minutes catching up on new endeavors and changes that have happened in our lives since we all lost our jobs. It was at the tail end of the conversation that my sight line drifted off into the distance.

Intending on staring off into space for a moment before saying my farewell, my attention was immediately grabbed by a man standing by the deli counter staring at me.

At first I couldn't place the face. How do I know this guy? His face so familiar to me that I just knew I knew him from somewhere, yet, I had no idea where! I wondered if he were thinking the same thing.

I was almost at the register when it hit me.

He and I worked at McDonald's together, many MANY moons ago, and he had developed a crush on me at some point. Although I never really had any feelings for this guy, I did keep a straw wrapper he had tossed at me and glued it into a scrapbook I was keeping at the time.

Black Tuesday

2009-02-10T21:20:00.003-05:00

Not a single, solitary sale today....

I hate days like that. The minutes seem to just crawl by, 3 hours feels like an eternity.

Phone Lady was in again today, with all her usual charm and grace. After greeting her in my required 60 second time frame I was curtly told she was just window shopping and she immediately pulled out her cell phone and dialed a number. Her conversation could be heard across the store, but Phone Lady never cares, her only mission in life is to prove to others how important she is via the cell phone.

"May I try these on please?" Phone Lady asked, holding out a few clearance items she had snagged from a rack.

"Sure, let me start a fitting room for you," I smiled, totally faking it. This woman is a pain in the ass every time she frequents the store.

Several moments pass when I hear Phone Lady asking for my assistance. She is peeking out the fitting room door and asking me if I can exchange some capri pants for her, she is looking for a size 12.

Size 12?

I look at her, look at the size 10 capri pants she has given me, and I have to fight to keep opinions to myself.

The woman is CLEARLY not a size 12, she would have to drop half her body weight to be a size 12.

"This woman is totally in denial," I laugh, rolling my eyes, and head over to the clearance rack.

"You're starting to catch on to things around here," Bev says, chuckling over my comment.

Needless to say, Phone Lady did not actually find anything that fit her 'just right' today.

A fashionista in the making?

2009-02-08T16:58:00.004-05:00

Once again I've taken on the task of cleaning out my closet.

Or, should I say black hole?

I've quickly discovered my closet could easily pass for a vortex of no return. The deeper I go, the scarier it gets. At one point I thought I had unearthed Jimmy Hoffa......

It was amazing to discover that I actually have an entire empty shelf once I removed the mountain of discarded price tags and accumulated buttons and extra lengths of thread that accompany each new article of clothing you purchase.

The one highlight of the experience was when Baby Fashionista came hobbling out of my closet with a pair of nylons draped around her shoulders like a scarf and a silver ballet sandal on each foot.

Like Mother, like daughter....

Late for Class

2009-02-03T19:52:00.002-05:00

For the first time since the semester began, Mr. WS was actually 5 minutes early for class today.

Oddly enough, half the class was not there yet.

After making an initial observation about how several people were not there yet, I curtly commented it was probably because he's always late for class.

"I'm never late for class," he replied.

"You've been late every time," I returned. The whole class was silent. I really don't think anyone knew what to do.

"Well," he looked at the clock, then looked at his computer screen, dismissing me.

Several moments pass before the rest of the class showed up, each one with a startled look of surprise on their face upon discovering Mr. WS was ontime today and they were the ones who were late.

Who knows, now that he's gotten the hang of 'being on time' he may decide to branch out and actually create a syllabus for us too.

Rockin' Roberta

2009-01-30T20:26:00.002-05:00

A pint sized pixie with the temper of a hell cat.....

That would be Rockin' Roberta.

Up until today, I had never seen her get mad before. I didn't think it was even possible, to be honest. Mild mannered, nasal voiced, easy going Roberta... But, oh yes, Rockin' Roberta does indeed get mad!

In her usual 'in your face' manner Stretch hit the store full force today. From the minute she got there she was like a sales glutton, snatching up every customer who graced our front step. When she wasn't stealing customers she was knit picking Roberta's every last moved.

I could practically hear the snap as the final straw hit Roberta's back causing her to instantly cut loose and unleash a wrath on Stretch that had even me wincing and cowering in the corner like a scolded puppy.

Way to go Roberta!!

Failed

2009-01-29T12:02:00.002-05:00

I failed my first test today. I'm so upset!

They bring a teacher in who has never been a teacher before and expect her to teach? This is not cool....

Well, at least I know what to expect next time.

Those who can, do, those who can't, teach.....

2009-01-27T13:52:00.004-05:00

The more I sit in his class, the more I realize Mr. White String is a complete buffoon.

After the jump drive fiasco last week, I decided to hit the bookstore this morning and get a drive with more storage space. This time I was going to be prepared!

As usual, Mr. WS was 5 minutes late for class leaving me enough time, or so I thought, to tear open the packaging and get a peek at the drive.

I couldn't have been more mistaken.

Upon discovering I needed a jack-hammer to pry my way into this thing, I cried out in frustration and ripped at the plastic with my teeth. Naturally, it was wasted effort on my part.

It was at about this point that Mr. WS lumbered his way down the hall and removed his Horatio Cain sunglasses at the classroom door.

"Am I late?" he laughed, his huge belly bouncing up and down.

No response.

"Do you have any scissors?" I piped up when we got into the room.

"I have no idea. What do you need scissors for?" He was standing at his desk staring in my direction.

"To cut," I could hear sarcasm in my voice. I immediately chastised myself inwardly.

"I've got a knife, I always carry a blade," Mr. WS was digging into his front pocket.

"A blade?? Good lord, are we that scary you need to carry a little protection?" I laughed, I couldn't help it. I was being a total bitch. "Or, is that for when you catch someone stealing your lunch?"

"You never know when you might need a pocket knife," Mr. WS was laughing, but I'm certain I embarrassed him. Other women in class were now snickering and making comments. Picking up my jump drive, he sliced the end of the package open and proceeded to drop both my jump drive and his knife on my desk where it then bounced onto the floor.

Thank God he isn't a surgeon.

Misguided Shoppers and their Frumpy Friends

2009-01-25T14:40:00.002-05:00

Why, oh WHY do people trust the opinion of the fashion victim friend over the fashionably chic sales girl at retail stores???

Egads!

What on earth makes you think that they, the woman who looks like she has just rolled out of bed, placed a bowl on her head and cut her own hair, is going to be able to give you any sort of advice worth following? About the only thing you will skillfully learn is how to consume the most food at a buffet style restaurant, the best place to buy mumu style tops, and the secret to cramming a 400lb body into the cab of an s-10 truck.

I waited on a woman last night who easily looked 10 years older then she was. The reason? Her severe hairstyle and frumpy clothes. I soon learned why this woman chose to do this to herself. Her shopping partner, a woman who could have given the Crypt Keeper a run for his money, a woman who didn't even wear a bra that day and openly admitted it at the fitting room, was her sole inlet for fashion advice.

Personal comfort zone..... INVADED

2009-01-22T14:59:00.002-05:00

I had Mr. White String's class again today.....

Thankfully, no string. But, my comfort zone was soon challenged, once again, in class.

About a million years ago I bought my first jump drive. Up until now, it has always been more than large enough to accomodate any of my classes.

Until today.

The first task in class today was to copy several files of information to our jump drives so we would be able to bring our work home with us and have all the information necessary at hand. As I was right in the middle of my download the window popped up telling me I didn't have enough storage space to house the info. Feeling like an idiot, I brought this to the attention of Mr. White String who, incidently, came right over to my desk with his giant belly hovering within mere milimeters of me. His left hand was grasping the back of my chair, his right hand grasping my mouse.

I could feel his breath on my cheek has he told me my jump drive must be pretty old because he hadn't seen one with such limited storage space in a loooooooooooooong time.

If I could have, I would have crawled into a crack and disappeared.

From that point forward he made it a point to make eye contact with me throughout the rest of the lecture.

I think he may feel I am a moron.

How many branches are on your family tree?

2009-01-21T21:38:00.003-05:00

"What do you think of this dress," a teenage girl asked her mom outside the fitting room. I had been standing with the mom, talking.

"Absolutely not!" Mom was not happy. The dress was easily 2 sizes too small and way to short for her. "It's already impossible to keep those boys from sniffing around between those legs."

Did I really hear her correctly? Good lord...... I knew right then and there I was dealing with a redneck family.

"Uncle Tom would like this dress," the girl laughed.

"Uncle Tom would be lying on the floor," Mom replied, still sounding irritated.

"We would both be lying on the floor, panting like dogs," the girl laughed even harder.

Panting like dogs? What kind of a family is this?? I looked at Stretch, she looked at me, and we both cringed.

The Latest Men's Fashion Accessory

2009-01-20T13:21:00.002-05:00

Today's instructor certainly didn't leave home without it!

Because the regular instructor is still out on leave, we started the new semester today with a new instructor. An instructor, by my observation, who has not actually seen his penis in many years.

Which leads to the point of my post today.

As I sat at my computer and listened to his lecture I couldn't help but stare at the white fuzzy string that had strategically static clinged itself to his crotch. It was almost impossible not to stare, the contrast between the black slacks and the white yarn made it impossible to look away from.

I wanted desperately to to bring his attention to his unwanted fashion accessory, but God forbid, the last thing on earth that I wanted was for anyone to know I had been staring at this guy's crotch. Ugh!

In the end I didn't say a word. I sure hope that, at some point during the day, he catches a view of himself in a full length mirror.

The Purple Sweater

2009-01-18T16:31:00.005-05:00

Like usual, Stretch was in my face and underfoot last night as I rang up my last customer. Part way through her items I came across a purple sweater that did not have a tag attached.

"I'm going to have to go grab an item with a tag to scan," I commented and smiled at the customer.

"What for?" Stretch barked from over my shoulder.

"This item does not have a tag, I'll be right back," I choked out in my most polite, fake smiling tone.

"I'll grab one, you just keep ringing," she stated, turning on her heel and leaving my side.

I finished scanning the rest of the customers merchandise and pulled out a dress bag when Stretch returned.

"Ok, scan this one," with the sweater in her hand, she held the tag under the scanner as I totaled out the sale. Without a thought, I let stretch bag up the merchandise while I tendered the sale and thanked the customer for shopping with us.

Several hours passed and I was in the back doing a little cleaning when Stretched approached me asking me what I did with the purple sweater.

"I didn't do anything with the purple sweater. You bagged up the purchase. Why?" I knew the minute she asked me where the sweater was that she had mistakenly bagged up both sweaters.

"I can't find it out on the floor," she replied, suddenly quieted.

"Oh, do you think you may have mistakenly bagged it up with the rest of that purchase?" I could hear a hint of vindication in my voice. Inwardly I was smiling with glee at the thought she had made such a huge mistake.

"Oh crap. Maybe she'll bring it back," I could hear a hesitation in her voice, she was trying to make the situation appear to be lighter than it was, like it wasn't such a big deal.

"I doubt it," turning my back to her I went back to my cleaning.

I can't help but wonder what is going to come out of all this. Will Stretch ever be made responsible for her error? I know I'm not going to rat her out, but, sometimes these things have a way of coming to light. And, if it does come to light, will I somehow be implicated because it is my name and number on the sales receipt?

I'm just going to have to wait and see.

The woman who brings the most items to the fitting room.....

2009-01-17T14:28:00.003-05:00

is always the woman who ends leaving the store with nothing but a clearance piece of jewelry.

Do they not know how much of a pain in the ass it is to run around the store finding the various items they need only to discover they have no intentions of buying any of it?

When did I watch a Robert De Niro movie?

2009-01-14T08:06:00.002-05:00

I had a dream last night that I was romantically involved with Robert De Niro.

Good Lord......

I awoke this morning just as we were sharing a tender embrace in a restuarant somewhere. I can think of better ways to start my day then having Robert De Niro's face burned into my memory banks.

Something I've learned.....

2009-01-12T07:24:00.003-05:00

When it comes to sales, scruples are out the window.

I can honestly say Stretch is not my favorite manager to work with. The other employees getting along with her really well..... It must be just me. If I have to take another day of her hovering over me I'm going to go insane.

My biggest disappointment yesterday came when she stole my customer. She literally stole my customer right out of the fitting room! I almost died when I returned to the customers fitting room to see how she was doing only to discover Stretch knocking on her door, yelling out "How's it going in there?"

It must have burned her right up when we did the final reports yesterday and I ended up selling $30 more then she did for the day.

She's the stores top seller, after all.

I'm getting the feeling that Stretch may be viewing me as competition. Which, I can assure you, this job is by no means anything I would consider long term. It bothered her, the other day, when she asked me what I did at my previous job and I told her I was in management. The look on her face said it all when I told her I had only worked in management for 8 years though because the prior 3 and a half were spent working for purchasing.

I could read her like a book. Her guard went up immediately.

She took a step back, crossed her arms, and immediately changed the subject. From that point on she has knit picked my every last move.

Thank God I'm only part time; and, thank God I don't work with her a whole lot.

May I help you find anything?

2009-01-10T21:15:00.003-05:00

I have officially had a the customer from hell and survived to tell about it.

Imagine my horror when the dirty old grisled man walked into the store and my manager said "Why don't you see if you can help this guy?"

Ugh!

So, with a smile on my face, I approached him and introduced myself, asking him if he could use a little help. "My wife is looking for a size 12 dress," he stated. For the next 10 minutes I proceeded to show him several dresses for which he had a million problems with. Too fancy, too short, too many colors.....

The final determination made by Horrible Old Man was that all of our dresses were "crap".

Crap or not, I was able to sell him a dress and get one hell of a response out of him. One of our requirements when ringing a customer's purchase up is to enter their phone number at the start of the transaction.

Upon asking Horrible Old Man what his phone number was he responded, "Why, are you going to call me up later and ask me out on a date?"

I thought I was going to die.

Sales Person Extrordinaire

2009-01-09T07:20:00.003-05:00

I have found myself a part-time job in a women's clothing store.

I think I'm in 7th heaven...... Not only do I get paid to ogle clothes and give my unsolicited fashion advice, I also get a 40% discount on anything I decide to buy. What could be better?

While I now have a whole host of new topics to blog about I also have a personal quandry that I face.

The Blog

My handbook openly advises against employees maintaining blogs stating employees project a certain image inside and outside the store, any behaviors that sully the stores image are strictly forbidden.

So, as of today, I am officially an underground blog that will have to reside in absolute anonymity. I certainly don't plan on not blogging anymore.......

I am disappointed though, at having to go anonymous, now I won't be able to show off my goofy kids and the latest pics.

Up for a game?

2008-12-22T21:20:00.001-05:00

More Stuff for Your Scrapbook

The Crazy Lady at Wendy's

2008-12-20T04:45:00.003-05:00

I find it hard to believe that someone like the crazy lady that cleans the loby at Wendy's can find a job and I can't.

What's wrong with this picture?

A woman who rambles incessantly about people who hate her and restraining orders and warrants for arrest can find gainful employment and I can't. It's just so unfair.

It scares me that I'll finish school and still not be able to find a job......

I had lunch today with Mary and her husband. It was amazing to witness, first hand, as the crazy loby lady hovered around Mike's table and flirted with him in the most bizaar and twisted manner. I nearly lost it when he told her he was gay and that Hannah was his love child. Crazy didn't even bat an eye. In her own twisted mind, I actually think she believed he was coming on to her.

If I were Mike, I would quit eating at Wendy's.

Bye Bye Bubba

2008-12-06T20:04:00.002-05:00

In a recent development, my little Princess Hannah has decided she doesn't want her bubba anymore. Only 1 year and 2 weeks old and she has tossed her bottle aside.

I can't really believe it, actually.

I was in the kitchen doing a few dishes when, from the corner of my eye, I see her toss her bottle into the trash.

"What are you doing silly?" I asked her, laughing a little. With a great big smile she just takes the bottle and throws it into the trash. "No, no, no, you can't throw your bubba into the garbage," I tell her.

She has obviously decided otherwise.

From that moment forward she has whined exclusively for her sippy cup. I think I may have an independent little genius on my hands.

I just hope potty training goes as smoothly.

If you see me in line at the grocery store.......

2008-12-05T20:48:00.002-05:00

whatever you do - don't get in line behind me! You may be there for a while!

I've recently discovered the wonders of manufactureres coupons; and, I'm getting pretty good at this shopping thing. The only downfall, I'm afraid, is the menacing stares from the impatient shoppers who wait in line behind me while the cashier lazily flounders her way through the little stack of saved money verifying you have indeed purchased the products pictured on them.

Personal best - $9.20 saved today while grocery shopping at Walmart. I'm not even going to tell you just how many coupons I used to get that total. The most important thing you have to remember, though, is only buy items you acutally use and only use the coupon when the product is on sale and cheaper then the store brand.

The Perils of Being a Daughter-in-Law

2008-11-24T14:31:00.002-05:00

I've tried recently to have a better relationship with Janet. I think the harder I try, the more estranged the relationship gets. Two weeks ago I called Janet and asked her if she wanted some company for the day. To my embarrassment she told me to save my gas and not worry about driving all the way down to her house. I want to believe she was just thinking economically, but, I have my doubts. It is moments like these that reaffirm my belief that I wasn't destined to ever be considered 'good enough' for her.
Being a daughter-in-law gives the mother-in-law all rights to be an indian giver. Making a special trip about a month ago, Janet drops by the house to give me a cabinet she had offered me on our last visit. A cabinet, I might add, that I actually liked and really wanted. Just this past Saturday she apparently asked Charlie for the cabinet back so she could give it to her daughter. I suppose a natural child will always come before one who has merely married into the family. I was glad to hear Charlie told her no.
A mother-in-law never has anything good to say to a daughter-in-law. The phone is in a weird place even though it's sitting on a desk in the kitchen mere feet from the phone jack. It is unnecessary to bring anything to Thanksgiving dinner even though everyone else is, perhaps I might poison everyone with my terrible cooking. My children are spoiled just because I choose to give them love and attention on their birthday by actually picking out a present rather than handing them a $10 bill and a balloon. How does a 6 year old get any fun out of a piece of paper?
Everything bad that ever happens will always be the daughter-in-law's fault. Whether it's the son's alcoholism or his outlandish behavior, it's always the fault of the daughter-in-law. Perhaps if I kept him in check, kept him under mythumb, totally dominated his entire life....... I hate to say it, but, perhaps it is the son that is the cause of his behavior. Perhaps the daughter-in-law does her best with what she has to work with and the son should be responsible for his own behavior. After all, he is a big boy now, I can't help it he didn't turn out the way she wanted him to.
I've come to the conclusion that I'm going to stop trying. If she can't accept me because of my past then I need to keep my distance from her. It's hard for me to begin with, it gets even harder when I'm not treated well. I already feel guilt and low self esteem, I don't really need to be constantly reminded by her.

Random Thoughts

2008-11-16T16:39:00.004-05:00

I often wonder why it is, the older I get, the less often I can keep my thoughts to myself. I had to call the Trade Adjustment people the other day to have them send me more paperwork. The woman I spoke with was an absolute Bitch! Rude, short tempered, and just an all-around discredit to society. So, what do I do? I say to her "Boy, you really aren't very friendly, are you." Big mistake! Never wise to piss off a woman who is solely responsible for making sure you get the paperwork to continue to receive unemployment funds and school tuition. If I don't receive anything by Wednesday, I'm going to call back and ask to speak with someone in charge.
Being poor has opened my eyes to a whole other side of life that I was unaware of. Sure, I knew it was there, it's hard not to spot the welfare mom with 5 dirty kids fighting over a bag of candy in the check-out line, but I didn't really realize just how dificult it is. I have been so used to a certain lifestyle that it is hard for me to not be able to have and do the things I used to. I've become an expert coupon clipper, quite by accident I must admit. While watching Good Morning America I happened to see a segment on the 'Coupon Mom', a woman who had created a site disigned specifically for people like me, people who want to make their every penny count.
I've decided to start making weekly resolutions. Who needs New Year's, you never keep those resolutions anyway. This weeks resolution is to start putting 10% of all our earnings in a savings account and NOT touch it. Harder said then done. I've always had a savings account, but it is my new resolution to start adding to it all the time. Not just when tax time rolls around or we have a few extra bucks for some reason. I happened to see a news segment last week that was geared toward low income families and the programs out there geared toward creating a savings strategy for them. Next weeks resolution is to research and find out what kind of programs my family is qualified for. On the news segment, the woman had a savings account that was actually matched, penny for penny, by the government. Who knows, maybe I qualify for something like that.
I really, REALLY hate snow. Unfortunately, I think the snow is here to stay for a while. Even as I sit here, typing this, I look outside and see a veritable blizzard in progress. Ugh!
Lastly, I can't believe my little Hannah is going to be one on Wednesday. Has it already been a year?? The time flew by so fast, where did it go? One day she was a tiny little newborn and the next? Six teeth, devilish green eyes, always where she shouldn't be and never where she should....... She's a wild woman in a pink sleeper. I don't think I would have it any other way, either.

On Vacation

2008-10-06T13:11:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posting, friends. I haven't been in a funny or chipper mood as of late. I promise I will return when things are looking a bit more on the upside.

Hope you all are doing well and writing bunches.

Thump

2008-09-24T20:18:00.002-04:00

Although the following story will likely shock and horrify you, I assure you, no creatures were harmed during the events of my horrible morning.

I was backing down the driveway when I heard a clunking noise coming from beneath my car. Immediately assuming the kids had left a toy in the driveway, I put the car in drive and pulled forward, hoping to not do more damage to my car than I had already done.

Imagine my horrific surprise when, all covered in dirt and shaking his head, I discovered I had actually run over Zach's dog Hank!

Now, as you long time readers may recall, this is the 2nd time I've actually run over a pet while backing down my driveway.

Egads!

On a good note, however, Hank has lived to tell the tale. Seemingly unaffected, he merely shook the dirt from his back and lumbered over to the grass to lay in the sun.

I'm surprised these dogs don't scramble in terror at the sight of me heading to my car.

What could be more fun than a day at the beach???

2008-08-04T08:54:00.000-04:00

2008-08-04T08:34:00.000-04:00

2008-08-04T08:24:00.004-04:00

2008-08-04T08:13:00.000-04:00

My life is a comedic sitcom.....

2008-08-01T20:23:00.004-04:00

I often wonder if everyone else out there goes through the same trials and tribulations that I do.

Do you? Please say that you do.....

I was at the dentist yesterday to get my permanent crown put in. Ordinarily, a trip to the dentist is not something you would immediately think of as being a risk for nudity.

That is, unless you are me.

Hannah the Horrible was being her usual self. Spoiled right to the core, I had to hold her while I lay on the dentist chair having my crown installed so she wouldn't cry at the top of her lungs.

Not an easy task, I must tell you.

There I am, laying flat on my back, light blaring in my eyes, mouth wide open with dental instruments and hands poking around inside, baby on my belly grasping at everything in sight.

I know you're thinking to yourself, nudity? How in the heck does nudity fall into this story?

Well, let me tell you.

As you can imagine, my hands were pretty full trying to keep Hannah under control in the midst of all that. Without warning, and without the ability to actually do anything to stop her, Hannah grabs the make shift bib around my neck with one hand, yanking it free and flinging it across the room.

With the other hand?

My shirt!

In one giant handful Hannah grabs my shirt and pulls the neckline all the way down to my belly button, in front of God and everyone, I lay there in a dentist chair with my whole front exposed and couldn't do a thing about it.

I wanted to die.

A muffled 'Oh my God' escaped my mouth as I tried desperately to cover myself back up. Thank God I went to the woman dentist this time because I would have DIED if it had been her husband!

"It's ok, we're all girls here," she laughed.

I can honestly say, I never would have believed that one day my dentist would be seeing me in my bra.

I guess we can chalk this up to another once in a lifetime experience.

Hopefully.

The older I get.....

2008-07-28T21:05:00.003-04:00

....the more I become like my grandma.

Charlie brought home a wrought iron plant stand today. Nothing fancy, just something he picked up from Rick's property that has literally been sitting in the elements since the day he died 6 years ago.

Immediately upon seeing the thing I was envisioning a nice coat of black paint and potted plants filling every nook.

I didn't even make it a half hour before I was headed to town in search of plants to fill my stand.

My grandma was a lover of flowers and plants, every house we ever lived in had elaborate flower beds and gardens and even a few potted plants on the dressers and stands. When I was 9 she made me a flower garden of my own full of poppies and bachelor buttons and irises.

Perhaps that is precisely why I love my flowers so much now. Every time I look at them I feel a piece of her is still with me.

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous

2008-07-21T22:38:00.002-04:00

I have officially hob-nobbed with the uber wealthy, and lived to tell about it.

Seriously.

I have my doubts that I will ever, in my life, go to another house warming party for a billionaire family.

Several things I have learned about people this rich:

You can say anything you want, no matter how politically incorrect, or abrasive, if you have enough money.
No matter how hot the weather, the wealthier you are the more clothing you are wearing.
Shoes are always to be worn at least 1 size too small.
When you are wealthy, you don't need to own a car. If you want to go somewhere, you just fly there.

As most of you know, my husband is a carpenter who works for a builder that puts together some pretty spectacular houses. While it doesn't happen all that often, once in a while a homeowner will have a party for the workers who build their houses. As luck would have it, we were invited to the party for the opening of a house built for the daughters of a billionaire to vacation in when they visit.

It was a completely eye opening experience to see how the other side lives.

I was absolutely beside myself with shock as I sat and listened to a conversation that had begun beside me. An aunt and uncle of the sisters who threw the house warming party had sparked up a conversation with a few of the other family members.

Racism, controversey, illigitimate children belonging to scandalous mayors..... You name it, I heard it. It was like something out of a movie.

But, I couldn't help but like the old woman. She was 81 and smoked like a chimney. She had on a lavendar pantsuit and enormously gaudy jewelry, all of it genuine I'm certain. She had looked over and smiled at me asking me where I was from. When I told her Gaylord she immediately recounted a tale for me about how she had canoed down the Jordan River and nearly died. It was 1942 and she and her husband had just had a baby 3 weeks earlier. This woman was fascinated by Charlie and I, surely she didn't get to spend much time with the working class. She had thanked us both for the wonderful conversation she'd had and exclaimed that she had a spendid visit and that we should remain grounded because it was a pleasure for her.

I don't think I'll have any problems remaining grounded. LOL I don't see myself becoming a billionaire any time soon, no matter how appealing that sounds to me.

Question: What has 3 teeth and bites everything in sight?

2008-07-16T09:45:00.002-04:00

Answer: My daughter.

It's been a long time since I've had to worry about protecting myself from the jack-o-lantern smile of a teething baby.

I am now keenly aware, however, since my arms are now peppered with the tiny lacerations and bruises a pint sized biting machine makes.

Good friends, deep fried turkey, and flavored vodka....

2008-07-07T07:09:00.004-04:00

Note to self: Never consume alcoholic beverages at friends bbq's.... ever.

It's amazing what friends will say to each other at a bbq when alcoholic beverages are involved.

Last Saturday I attended a bbq at my friend Mary's house. I had so much fun, it's been a long time since I've enjoyed myself that much. Not sure if it was the fact that I've recently started taking anxiety/depression medication or if it was just seeing a few old friends I hadn't seen in a while, either way, it was good to be out.

By the end of the evening Mary, Deb, and I were feeling pretty good. With several drinks under our belts, our lips were loose and the word 'secret' was no longer in our vocabulary.

Undoubtedly not a good thing!

I'm just thankful I didn't have as much liquid bravery coursing through my veins as Deb. I'm sure her husband would be pretty upset if he knew she let it spill that the two of them were having an affair for quite a while before they separated from their previous significant others.

Which makes me wonder, just how many people out there have had an affair or are currently in an affair that nobody knows about? It seems as though in one way, shape, or form that everyone I know has had some experience with the temptation and allure of something new.

Myself included.

I want to think that the human race has the capability of staying faithful to that one life long partner, but, is it possible?

When hapiness is involved, I can't help but think it isn't.

Crown Me

2008-07-03T17:50:00.003-04:00

It's official.

I'm the biggest moron on earth. But, I digress, you all knew that anyway.

I started the day on the wrong foot, as usual. Waking up late, I scurried around to get myself and Thomas ready for our dental appointments today. Me - I had to start the process of getting one of my teeth crowned. Thomas - he had 2 teeth that needed fillings.

As usual, if it could go wrong it did. On the way to the dentist I not only hit road construction in 2 spots requiring me to sit idle for 15 minutes, I also managed to poke my eye with a dental floss container.

We get to the dentists office where I proceed to apologize for being 15 minutes late only to discover my appointment wasn't for another 4 hours.

It wouldn't be so bad if gas wasn't $4.29 a gallon and this particular dentists office wasn't 30 miles from my house.

Someone give me a pat on the back!

2008-07-02T11:03:00.003-04:00

Trying to be a little proactive and save some dough, I started to shop around for better insurance rates last week.

I've never been so happy I did!

Not only am I now saving $70 a month on car insurance I also saved $657 on my home owners insurance this year! Why didn't I do this sooner!

Just imagine all the lipgloss and shoes I can buy with my savings.......

On a funny note: Thomas has discovered that Hannah does not have a 'peepee'. I was grabbing her out of the tub when he asked me where it was. Trying to be as honest as possible without getting into too much detail I told him Hannah was a girl and girls were made a little different then boys, they carried their 'peepee's' inside. Not sure if this was a good move on my part, because, last night I overheard him asking Charlie when Hannah was going to grow her 'peepee' back.

Just another day at the beach......

2008-06-27T10:28:00.003-04:00

My friend Sandy called yesterday and invited the kids and I to hang out at the lake with her.

Fun! Fun! Fun!

It's just too bad I didn't have my camera with me, I could have literally kicked myself on a couple of occasions.

As usual, the weird and bizaar were all around. From the gang of men with the metal detectors and treasure hunting t-shirts that were combing the beach in search of burried treasure to the teenage boy who was cruising the beach scoping for chicks with his ass hanging out of his shorts, I pretty much witnessed it all.

At one point a group of people had begun feeding the seagulls near us. Their plan was to burry one of their group in the sand in hopes to, I'm assuming, catch one of the birds.

Let's just say, the plan didn't work.

So they burry this boy under a mound of sand with a stick and place doritos in the sand all over him. He had to have been there for at least 5 minutes, not a single bird. I actually wondered just how long this kid was going to lay there....

By now quite a crowd of people had gathered to see the spectacle. Fortunately for Sandy and I, they burried this kid about 15 feet from us so we got the birds eye view.

Just when I thought this kid was going to be burried for the rest of the afternoon one of the guys in the group threw a football at the mound of sand and out popped an arm with a stick, waving wildly at what he thought was a seagull.

The sight was absolutely hilarious.

At the end of the afternoon I even discovered that, after several hours of sitting next to the man in the green chair, it was in actuality a WOMAN sitting in the green chair.

Next time, I'm definitely going to be camera ready!

A lighter, a bottle rocket, 2 14 year old boys, and a shoe box full of fire crackers.

2008-06-21T21:50:00.005-04:00

What do you get when you mix all of the above?

You get a 34 year old woman who is on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

I went to the dentist on Thursday and found out that I have started to unconsciously clench my teeth.

Yep, that's right, I couldn't have developed some normal, everyday stress tick like, oh..... let's say, biting my nails or fidgeting. Nope, I've got to clench my teeth to the point that they are crumbling in my mouth.

Ugh!

For years now I've had perfect checkups. No cavities, not stress fractures, just teeth in relatively good condition.

Until now.

Now I have stress fractures all over my teeth and one tooth actually cracked to the point it needs a crown.

At this rate, I'll be in dentures before Zach graduates from high school.

And this is precisely why......

2008-06-17T22:51:00.006-04:00

Men should NOT wear sweatpants!

I was at the public library yesterday with Thomas.

It's our new thing..... He picks out a book, I end up seeing someone I know and chat for a few minutes, we both get a kick out of it.

Now, I know that not everyone in life is as conciencious of their appearance and what they are wearing as I am, but, come on!

When you are in a public library please be sure to keep the goods under wraps!

So, I'm talking with Pat, one of my former bosses, and I excuse myself to see what Thomas is up to. Accidentally heading down a dead end isle, I turn to leave only to discover a man wearing quite possibly the smallest pair of sweatpants on earth has blocked my exit.

Was it my imagination? Or.... Could I really see the entire silhouette of his 'manyly parts'.

Yep, upon further examination, I could indeed see every last nook, cranny, crevice, and bulge through the deceptively thin material of his skin tight sweatpants.

I'm sure you're wondering, now, why on earth would Sherri be checking out some guys 'manly parts'?

Well, to be honest, I just couldn't help myself. It was kind of like seeing someone with a really bad hair cut or a gigantic zit on their nose.....

You just can't help but stare!

Like a scene from a horror movie.....

2008-06-14T22:48:00.003-04:00

The following post was not meant for the faint of heart. Readers beware....

Thinking nothing of it, I sat Hannah on the floor this morning to grab a few cheerios for her to snack on. No big deal, I let her crawl around on the floor quite a bit now. Up until today, I was fairly confident in my ability to keep the floor clear of any objects that should not be within reach of an infant.

I will assuredly have nighmares for the rest of my life about what happened next.

Staring in horror and disbelief, I watched as my precious little Princess Hannah opened her mouth and out fell a June Bug.

A JUNE BUG!!

Even now, hours later, I'm still cringing at the thought.

On a related note: I attended a graduation party today that was held outside in a wooded lot. While I was sitting with Hannah talking to Geoff and Scott, Geoff absently flicked a cricket from his head onto my arm. June Bug moment fresh in my mind, I completely freaked out and shrieked like a moron jumping out of my seat, flailing my arms wildly as everyone stared on.

ugh!

I'm so embarrassing.

What color are you?

2008-06-11T09:45:00.000-04:00

You Are a Yellow Crayon

Your world is colored with happy, warm, fun colors.

You have a thoughtful and wise way about you. Some people might even consider you a genius.

Charming and eloquent, you are able to get people to do things your way.

While you seem spontaneous and free wheeling, you are calculating to the extreme.

Your color wheel opposite is purple. You both are charismatic leaders, but purple people act like you have no depth.

What Color Crayon Are You?

My Stalker

2008-06-10T14:48:00.003-04:00

When I was 25 I worked with a woman named Shawn.

She terrified me.

Not in the ways you may be thinking.... She definitely wasn't an axe wielding psychopath hovering beneath a pile of leaves in my back yard but she did terrify me.

Shawn was absolutely fixated on me for some reason.

It started out when she was first hired on at work. Roz and I had asked Rick for a third person in our area to help with the reel counting and kit pulling. Along came Shawn. She had fit in, in her own anti-social way.

That is..... Until she started to become my much taller, much heavier shadow. She was married and had been for 17 years but I was certain she had developed some sort of a crush on me.

It was Roz who had gone to Rick and explained to him how Shawn had started overstepping boundaries. Roz, herself, had begun to feel creeped out by her as well. Rick, in turn, had pulled Shawn aside and had a 'talk' with her.

It did not go well.

Immediately after the talk I had Shawn approach me to apologize for her obsessive stalker behaviors. I was like a deer caught in the headlights, staring at an oncoming car waiting to be hit.

Shawn had been one of the original 96 people who had been layed off back in 2000 and, to be honest, I hadn't given her any thought.

That is.... until today.

Thomas and I were shopping at Wal Mart when I had heard my name being called from behind me.

It was Shawn!

She had certainly changed in appearance but I knew right away who it was. It had been so long since I had even given her a thought that I didn't even remember her name. I was pleasant and tried to be friendly but I was still on edge just being near her.

She had explained to me that her husband divorced her, that she had a family tragedy that removed her from town for 2 years, she was unable to support herself so she was living with a guy because she was still recovering from skin cancer on her forehead.... I could go on but I won't.

The part that freaked me out was the fact that she KNEW about several things in my life that have happened POST layoff.

The first thing she did was congratulate me on the birth of my daughter.

Now, how in the heck would she know about that??

She also knew I had gotten married and that I married Charlie. Somewhere, somehow, she knows someone who knows me as well. I find it odd, though, that I have been completely unaware of this mutual friend all this time.

Right now....

2008-06-08T14:29:00.002-04:00

I'm scared of what my future holds for me.

Watch out world.....

2008-06-05T06:20:00.000-04:00

I've Got Teeth!

2008-06-05T06:19:00.001-04:00

Does this happen to you?

2008-06-03T08:02:00.002-04:00

I never know what to do in an uncomfortable situation.

You know that moment..... You walk into a room where people are talking and they suddenly stop, look at you, and say nothing. Of course you notice and sort of stop in your tracks.

Do you keep walking, do you retreat, what do you do?

Every little thing is just magnified to the millionth degree. Your mind is racing, nervous habits and tendencies make themselves known and you are painfully aware of everything.

My shoe is making a noise with each step I take..... I can hear a whistle in my nose as I exhale..... I hope my capri pants don't make me look fat..... My hair is looking kind of flat at the moment, why oh why didn't I put a little gel in it this morning.... Why are they staring at me!! I should just leave right now......

Feed the Children

2008-05-27T20:23:00.003-04:00

I'm embarrassed to admit that my daughter could have easily passed for the spokesbaby in a 'Feed the Children' commercial earlier this afternoon.

Egads.....

I had given her a graham cracker to chomp on. Perfect for babies who are teething, btw. They become soft and mushy, easily swallowed, while the cracker itself stays firmly in tact.

Leaving the kitchen for only a moment, I ran upstairs and grabbed a few items to do a load of laundry. Upon my return I find Princess Hannah, completely covered with graham cracker mush from head to toe with a poopy diaper that could be detected by scent from across the room. If that weren't bad enough 3 flies had started circling her bald head occasionally landing on her forehead as she waved her filthy little hands wildly in the air.

The only thing missing was the tattered tank top and mismatched shoes.

Should I be worried?

2008-05-25T20:43:00.002-04:00

My 5 year old happened to see a beetle on the porch tonight.

I couldn't help but laugh at how his little mind operates!

"Look Mom, a beetle. Awww..... cute beetle. I'm goint to poke it with a stick," he says, turning on his heel and heading off in search of a stick.

"You are? I thought you said it was cute," I smiled, inwardly laughing.

"It is but I don't want it to eat my brain," he had a dead serious expression on his little face.

It was so cute I couldn't help but laugh. I wonder if I thought things like that when I was his age.

My New Toy

2008-05-24T21:43:00.001-04:00

I have a new grill!!

Charmglow Porcelain Series 48,000 BTUs 4 Burner - 810-7400-S at The Home Depot

I may never cook on my stove again.....

The Starbuck's Barista Guy

2008-05-22T22:05:00.006-04:00

Gaylord just isn't ready for 'Metrosexual' yet.

I stopped at Starbuck's today so I could spend $6 on a thimble full of coffee and sit in the artificially created ambiance of the elite.

It was kind of fun, I have to say. I met a friend for coffee so I could show off Princess Hannah. Little did I know the barista guy would absolutely fall in love with her. Then again, how could he not?? She is the cutest thing on the face of this earth.

I'm not so sure the feeling was mutual, however. I could tell by the look on her face that the spikey blond hair and the trendy black granny glasses just weren't doing it for her.

She gets that exact same look when she's wearing a poopy diaper.

Hello Beautiful

2008-05-20T21:16:00.000-04:00

This is Hannah and I on my birthday..... Aren't we just the cutest??

I blew up my microwave oven today. How in the heck does something like that happen?? And, worse yet, why am I such a complete numskull when it comes to situations like that??

So, there I stand, chips and cheese in hand with the intent to use the microwave oven.

Bright flash, loud noise, sudden loss of power, me standing wide eyed and dumbstruck in the kitchen.

Hmmm..... I think to myself. What in the heck happened? Power surge? Did I lose power? I'm certain I payed the light bill.... or did I? Did I forget? No, I remember paying it online. So what happened? Oh, a clicking noise, I've heard that before, but when? The furnace! It clicked like that the last time the circuit breaker tripped! That's it! I need to flip the breakers. But wait - I've flipped them all and the microwave still doesn't work. Damn! I guess that means no chips and cheese.

And that, folks, is a snap shot on how the inner workings of my mind operates. Scary, isn't it.

2008-05-20T21:09:00.000-04:00

Only at my house.....

2008-05-20T07:18:00.000-04:00

Can you look up and discover a paper airplane resting on one of the blades of the ceiling fan and not really wonder how it got there.
Can you wake up in the morning and discover a cheerio stuck to your face and not have a clue where it came from.
Can you buy $120 worth of groceries only to discover, hours later, "we have nothing to eat."
Can you shut the refridgerator door 15 times and still find it open the next time you walk past it.
Can you bait a fishing hook, read a fashion magazine, and comb your dog while using the toilet in the downstairs bathroom.
Can you find candles, diapers, and peroxide in the same drawer in my dresser.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

2008-05-18T16:06:00.002-04:00

So, it is official, I am now 34 years old.

Funny, I don't feel any different.....

I'm feeling pretty good, actually, especially since I did indeed decide to pickle my liver last night with some Miller Chill.

BTW, if you've never had it, it's pretty good. I really like it, anyway. Just a light beer with a hint of lime.

Funny story.....

Picture it. Charlie, Thomas, Hannah, and I are all in the beer isle at Wal Mart. Charlie is asking me what I wanted to drink to celebrate my birthday with. After looking around in the isle I happened to see the Miller Chill and remembered that I had once thought about wanting to give it a try.

"Ooooh, let's get some Miller Chill," I state, pointing at the 6-pack.

"You sure that's what you want?" Charlie is questioning just to make sure I don't change my mind. I change my mind a lot when it comes to food products and alcohol.

"Yeah, I saw Scott drinking it the other day, I thought it looked good," Thomas has begun tugging on my sleeve. I look down to see what he wants.

"Are you drunk Mom?" Thomas is speaking in a loud voice, people up and down the isle have now turned to look in our direction. His big round eyes are totally sincere.

"No, I'm not drunk," I laugh, trying not to draw any more attention to us then we already have.

"But you're buying beer," he replies, big brown eyes staring up at me. I'm still laughing a little, he certainly did look cute.

"Just because you buy beer it doesn't mean you are drunk. You don't get drunk until you've had too much to drink," I had no idea what else to tell him.

When the man who was standing near the wine started to laugh I knew it was time to get the heck out of there.

Egads!

Today in kindergarten....

2008-05-16T12:31:00.002-04:00

I stopped in at Thomas's school to drop off his permission slip and field trip money.

It was quite the experience, I must say.

I'm always amazed at what people feel comfortable saying to me. I was standing near the door holding Hannah, another Mom was standing next to me chit chatting with me. In those few short moments I learned more about this woman then I ever wanted to know about anyone. She was there with her youngest son who was 'special needs', the doctor had advised her not to have any more kids, her 5 year old daughter was in Thomas's class, and she also had a 10 year old.

As Mrs. Keck approached the other Mom was in the midst of a story about how her daughter had asked her to order a baby.

I swear to God the woman looks at Mrs. Keck and blurts out "So, when are you due to have your next one?"

Of course, Mrs. Keck is totally on the spot and has no idea what to say. She just stands there for a moment, dumbfounded, and blurts out, "Probably sometime after I quit taking birth control pills."

I couldn't help but laugh.

I mean, the entire situation couldn't have been more inappropriate! In a tiny way, she reminds me of myself. Granted, I'm not a 90lb hispanic kindergarten teacher, but I find we have a lot of the same personality traits. I'm so glad Thomas had her for his first teacher.

I'm hoping her positive influence will benefit him as he advances through the grades.

My birthday, my friend Sandy, and paper thin oatmeal cookies.

2008-05-15T12:03:00.005-04:00

My friend Sandy stopped by the house yesterday with a bowl of cookie dough.

Weird, yes, but it was really good to have a little company that doesn't drool cheerios and bite everything in sight.

We talked about everything, I miss that. Of all my friends, Sandy is the one I can talk trash to and know she won't think less of me because I'm a vindictive, backstabbing bitch.

We've actually laughed about how nice I used to be and how much I've changed over the past couple of years.

It was my job that changed me. Being a member of management ruined my perception of a lot of things. It is a subtle change at first, you don't even notice it happening at all. The next thing you know you are detached from feeling holding another individuals future in your uncaring hands and not feeling a thing one way or the other.

Thank God that is behind me now.

Unfortunately, something that is not behind me right now is my birthday. I just can't believe I'm going to be 34 this Sunday. I'm getting old. :(

Not even the horrible 'supposed' oatmeal cookies Sandy and I made yesterday could cheer me up.

Now that's bad. A good kitchen catastrophe can cheer anyone up.

I think I'm going to just to out Saturday and 'tie one on', nothing like a good drunk to get you through a birthday. Plus, everything usually looks rosier if you're half-in-the-bag.

And the award for angler of the year goes to.......

2008-05-13T19:43:00.000-04:00

Zach Sanders for catching the smallest fish to ever have been caught with a hook and worm.

Congratulations Zach!

Another Mother's Day Under my Belt

2008-05-12T08:14:00.002-04:00

I didn't actually get to do anything I wanted to do on my day, nor did I get any presents. I have to say, the day kind of sucked.

We ended up spending the day down at my mother-in-law's house. Being with my husbands family is like yelling 'fire' in a crowded movie theater, just stand back and wait to be trampled.

I think the highlight to my day was the realization that I had told Janet I absolutely didn't want to bring any of her stuff home with me only to discover the back end of my jeep was loaded up with crap.

What in the hell am I going to need a foam ball wearing a Detroit Tigers hat and a pair of sunglasses for???

And that's just for starters........

Priceless

2008-05-10T16:46:00.004-04:00

Kia Spectra....................................................$16,500
Old Navy Belted Sweater............................$19.99
Car Wash.......................................................$6.00
Me cruising around town with half my sweater hanging out the door..........Priceless

Imagine my embarrassment as the pock faced, greasy haired, scary looking car wash attendant started banging on my door to inform me my "shirt is hanging out the door." I stared at him in disbelief for a moment before it even registered in my mind.

The whole time I was driving around town I could hear something banging against my door. It was my SWEATER hanging out the door flapping in the breeze!

Electricity was in the air........

2008-05-08T18:51:00.003-04:00

Literally

Thomas's school has a book fair going on right now so I decided to stop in and pick up a few new books for him.

Little did I know what I had in store for me.

We get to the door and find a couple electricians pulling down ceiling tiles, attempting to run new wire to somewhere.

I have to admit, even though I was carrying a baby and walking a 5 year old to his PTO organized book fair, I was ogling them.

Perhaps a little too much......

As we headed down the hallway on the way to the media center the guy on the ladder had smiled at me and said Hi. Naturally, trying not to be rude, I smiled back and anticipated walking past him without much more than that.

Instead, I smile, trip on the wires that were lying all over the floor, catch my balance on his ladder, and start to laugh.

Lost: Any Sense of Dignity I Might Have Once Posessed

Found: Humiliation, 2 Left Feet, and a Near Britney Spears Baby Dropping Episode

Summer Vacation

2008-05-06T09:14:00.004-04:00

This is my last week of classes until September 2.

I can't believe I'm actually going to have a summer vacation.....

Do you know how long it's been since I've had the summer off? 1994 was the last year I spent any time during the summer that I was not gainfully employed.

I'm not sure what to think about this.

On one hand I feel kind of happy. Time off, time to spend with the kids, no need to get up early or even leave the house if I don't want to.

On the other hand, no need to go anywhere...... That useful needed feeling you get when you have obligation and responsibility is gone.

I'm getting better though, I feel good today. I feel like I'm going to be able to get through this rough time of my life and be a better person because it happened. Deep down I know I needed to make a break from that miserable job, it's just scary now that it has happened. I'm scared because I lost that sense of security but I think I'm going to be just fine.

I'm actually looking forward to some time off this summer.

2008-05-03T20:27:00.000-04:00

Have you planted a tree lately?

2008-05-01T10:02:00.001-04:00

The lady at the tree sale gave this tree to Thomas last weekend.

He loved the tree so much he wanted his picture with it! I can't believe how big he's getting. It seems like just the other day he was Hannah's age.....

Having kids is such a funny thing. One minute you want to just choke the life out of them and the next you want to hug them and keep them in your arms forever.

My wits are challenged these days by Zachary. He's going to be 14 and he thinks he's about 40. Every once in a while I get through to him, the little bugger. Last night we were watching tv and he had complained about being bored and how his friends all had cool stuff and he didn't.

In my usual sarcastic flair, I commented to him about how terrible it must be to have all of his needs met, food on the table, clothes on his back, and a roof over his head. I then commented on how his eyes appeared sunken in and his cheeks hollowed out from neglect.

He laughed. He knew what I was getting at.

I then asked him, in the same sarcastic tone, how he could say he doesn't have any cool stuff when he has 2 dirtbikes, and a go-cart, and a pedal bike, and a computer, and a playstation with a bunch of games, and a very expensive mp3 player, and parents who take him to fishing tournaments and treetops and taxidermy........

Sometimes he just needs to be reminded of what he does have. I can honestly say I never had that kind of stuff when I was a kid. One of these days I'm going to have to tell Zachary about what it was like when I was a kid. He has started asking me why I don't have any family and is surprised when he overhears me once in a while make reference to a cousin or family member.

I don't want him to know that I used to suffer as a kid.

I had a mom who gave me bloody noses and locked me in my bedroom when I was tiny. I had a dad who did nothing about it to stop it. I had a mom who had a nervous breakdown and tried to commit suicide all the time. I had a dad who was a complete alcoholic and lives his life to this day in severe depression. I grew up living in dumpy trailers because my parents were white trash bar flies.

While that all sounds terrible, it did make me the person I am today. I knew when I grew up I would never let this happen again. My kids would never feel unloved and unwanted. They would always know, no matter how mad I am and how much I yell, they are my life and my love for them is unconditional.

Princess Hannah

2008-04-27T15:05:00.000-04:00

Is it possible that I finally got a picture to post for me?? I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever get this thing to work!

Princess Hannah

2008-04-25T07:54:00.002-04:00

Isn't she just the cutest thing you've ever seen?

It saddens me that I felt so absolutely devestated when I found out I was pregnant again. How could I have known that I would be carrying such a little stinker! She has captured my heart, just like both the boys did the minute they were born, I can't imagine my life without her.

Things that go bump in the night.....

2008-04-04T20:29:00.002-04:00

I'm certain I sound crazy, but I'm telling the God's honest truth.

I think I'm being haunted by a man.

It all started on the first day I was in the hospital after Hannah's birth. The room I was staying in had a pink glider rocker on the other side of the bed by the TV, it was in this glider rocker I first noticed him.

I had been in the bathroom taking care of the normal health related things you take care of after the birth of a baby, moving extremely slowly, and still feeling the effects of the morphine that had been administered in my epidural. As I was exiting the bathroom something caught my eye, I saw a man sitting in the glider rocker. I knew it wasn't Charlie, he had left with Jessica to get something to eat from the hospital cafeteria leaving me all alone in the room with Hannah. I glanced at Hannah's bassinet, briefly, before returning my focus to the glider rocker.

The occupant was gone!

At first I thought it was the drugs and the fact that I was extremely tired. I couldn't possibly have seen someone sitting there when there was, in fact, nobody in the room but me and Hannah.

But I kept seeing him.

On one occasion I literally screamed out in fright sending a nurse running into my room. I had lied to her and told her I had startled myself when I saw a spider. How was I going to explain that I was seeing a ghost in my room?

It wasn't until Charlie had mentioned he could have sworn there had been a man in my room when he arrived one morning only to discover the room was empty that I gave it serious consideration.

I confided in him the feeling I had that someone was there and that I was certain I had seen him.

I was surprised to hear him tell me he believed me. I wondered if it was the room that was haunted, once we had been moved to the pediatrics unit everything seemed to be normal.

I have since discovered that 'the ghost' is at my house too.

Charlie and I have been referring to our guest as 'the ghost', not quite sure what to make of it all. So many weird things happen now, things we can not explain.

For instance, the satellite receiver. On a million occasions I have turned it off, as well as the tv, and left to go to class or go to town only to return home and find it is back on again. Just yesterday Charlie and I had gone to town and found the satellite on again when we returned. It has become almost a game with us, will it or won't it? We make bets when we leave the house whether or not the satellite will be on when we get home.

But the weird thing is, it never happens at night. I had first played with the idea there was something wrong with the receiver and it would turn itself back on after a certain period of time or that a timer was set.

I don't think that is the case, however.

I have intentionally left the tv and satellite off all day several times and it has never turned itself on in my presence, just as it has never turned itself on during the night.

My car has also begun to act weird. I'm still undecided as to whether I have an electrical problem or a spiritual problem. My headlights like to turn themselves on when nobody is around, several times I have been up in the middle of the night and seen them on. The car has also decided to start locking itself at will. This I have posted about previously, that being the first incident. Just last Wednesday it happened again, this time under completely different circumstances. I had been in class and was returning to my car to leave, using the keyless remote to unlock the doors.

I know they were open, I had opened the passenger side door and placed my books on the seat without a problem. Once I had walked around the car to get into the drivers side the doors were again locked. Again I used the keyless remote to unlock the car, listening to ensure the locks clicked open.

Click.

I grabbed the handle only to find it was once again locked. I stood there dumbfounded, was I ever going to get into my car? This time I used my key and opened the door immediately.

Then there are the little things that are happening. Like, the vacuum cleaner just turning itself off while you are using it. Or, my stereo switching to mute when there isn't even a mute button on it, anywhere.

So many things I can't explain.

I was freaked out today by Thomas, he had told me he was playing with a man who was standing next to him, he said it was his audience. I didn't know what to think. Was he making it up? Did he really see someone? When I asked him what he looked like he told me the man was invisible and there were other women there too.

I have no idea what to make of all this, other then, I wonder what will happen next.

The Candle Debacle

2008-03-29T16:19:00.005-04:00

What do you get when you cross me, a Wal Mart pillar candle, and a pillar candle wall sconce?

You get a carpet soaked with candle wax, a fried hair dryer, and one very irate Sherri!

A few weeks ago I had held a Party Lite candle party to help out my friend Sandy. Oddly enough, even though I have very few people in attendance, I was able to wrangle up enough orders outside my party that I received $207 worth of free stuff.

I was in seventh heaven!

So, last night I decided to actually put my pillar wall sconces to use. Knowing full well that if the candles melted over I would have a mess on my hands, I decided to light the candles anyway and keep a very close eye on them.

Little did I know I would end up with the candle mess from hell.....

I lit the candles and started cleaning the living room, all the while glancing across the room now and then to make sure I didn't see anything amiss.

About 30 minutes after I had lit them I happened to notice a flash from the corner of my eye where the candles were lit.

To my horror, I discovered that one of the candles was apparently defective and the entire contents of the inside of the candle had melted out and dripped down the wall, collecting in the carpet.

I could have kicked myself!

Immediately blowing out both candles, I could not believe my eyes. While one candle barely had anything at all melted on it the other was a mere shell of a pillar candle.

Running upstairs and grabbing my blow dryer, I had remembered a trick that I heard once about getting candle wax out of stuff. Just place a paper towel over the spot and heat it, the wax would be drawn up into the paper towel.

So I did.

Only, as I'm sure you are all aware by now, my luck at the moment is localized to bad luck.

So, there I knelt, an inch of candle wax melted into the carpet before me, and a blow dryer heating up a paper towel in hopes of taking care of my disaster.

Now, I was certain I had seen the worst of it already, so it didn't even phase me when I had begun to smell a little smoke. I assumed it was the heat from the dryer cinging the paper towel.

It was not.

It was, in fact, the smell of the blow dryer burning up in my hands. 3 giant sparks and one electrical shock later I was sitting on the floor, paper towel stuck to candle wax embedded in the carpet before me, and a fried out blow dryer in my hand saying to myself, "I can't believe this is my life."

Somewhere, somehow, something has gone drastically wrong.

Esophagogastroduodenoscopy

2008-03-25T21:17:00.002-04:00

Esophagogastroduodenoscopy is a diagnostic endoscopic procedure that visualises the upper part of the gastrointestinal tract up to the duodenum.

Believe it or not, this would be one of my recent vocabulary words from the Medical Terminology class that I'm taking.

And, yes, I am required to know how to SPELL and define this word.

Egads........

Easter

2008-03-24T14:54:00.001-04:00

I've come to realize that no matter how hard I try, or how much I want everything to work out, it never does.

I can safely say that this Easter was probably the worst Easter I've ever had.

Now, I know that Easter just isn't about gifts and candy, it's about the resurrection of Jesus.... etc, but it really hurts to not be able to do the gifts and candy.

This is the first year that I have ever had where I was unable to afford anything for my kids on easter. And, by anything, I mean ANYTHING. No candy, no toys, nothing.

I almost can't even live with myself because of it.

When I got up yesterday Charlie and the kids were already up. Zach had looked at me when I came down the stairs and asked if they really didn't get anything for Easter. I had to tell him yes, which broke my heart. I sat on the couch next to Thomas and Charlie decided to tell the kids he shot the Easter Bunny. What an ass, I could kill him pretty much most of the time.

Thomas asked me why the Easter Bunny didn't come to our house so I told him it was because we didn't have enough money to give to the Easter Bunny so he could get us goodies and toys. Like most kids, he looked at me quizzically and said ok.

I wanted to explain to the kids that it wouldn't be like this always, I wanted to tell them that I was 6 weeks behind on my unemployment checks but we had finally gotten it straightened out on Thursday, I wanted to tell them that I really wasn't a complete scum loser parent..... But I didn't.

Instead I reassured them that the Easter Bunny hadn't forgotten them, they were still going to get a visit, it just wouldn't be until this weekend. I felt like a complete lame ass.

And that was that. Not another word was said by either kid about Easter.

I have no idea if they felt hurt, or sad, or really didn't care.

And to be honest, I think I like it better that way.

I wish I could say this would be the end of the drama for the day, but it was not.

Like we do every year, Charlie, the kids, and I all dressed up and went down to Charlie's mom's house for Easter dinner. While I have absolutely no idea how it happened, we somehow managed to all pile out of the car and lock Hannah, along with the car keys, inside my car.

Personally, I think it was because the car is posessed.

So, needless to say, since I was already having the most terrible day, this only made things that much worse. Charlie and I were yelling at each other out in the drive way as I turned to head into the house and see if I could borrow a vehicle to go get my spare keys. Not realizing my mother-in-law's driveway was a complete sheet of ice, I fell flat on my back and totally wrenched my bad knee.

I was a crying, sobbing mess.

Thank God Hannah was asleep or she would have been screaming and crying locked up inside that car all by herself.

I sure hope things get better.

You know you're a redneck when....

2008-03-10T20:12:00.001-04:00

You come home from class and find your 5 year old wearing a Kohl's bag.

Aren't we just the cutest?

2008-03-01T18:55:00.002-05:00

I gave Hannah her first 'real' tub bath today. Yep, that's right, Hannah, her duckie, and a million bubbles in the big tub.

I don't think she knew what to make of it, at first. The look of terror in her eyes, the way she pulled her feet up tight to her body when I let them dangle in the water.....

So I ended up joining her. Such a funny little thing, she is. Completely amazed by the bubbles, after about the fifth time she reached for the bubbles only to discover she had nothing in her hands she gave out the angriest little scream.

I couldn't help but laugh, I think she might have her mother's temper.

I have officially experienced the grossed thing I've ever done in my entire life.

2008-02-23T19:52:00.002-05:00

Bet you can't guess what it is!

Go ahead...... give it a try.......

Nope, try again.......

Give up??

Let me tell you!

Hannah and I were sitting on the couch playing when, with one fell swoop, her tiny little finger picks a booger out of her nose and deposits it in my mouth.

That's right, IN MY MOUTH!

By the time I had comprehended what was happening it was too late. I had inhaled sharply at the grossness of it all and sucked the booger right down my throat.

And I thought that time I swallowed a mosquito was bad........

Sherri Sanders, Total Slob

2008-02-15T20:29:00.002-05:00

Why is it when your house is at it's worst you get the most company?

As you may recall from a previous post, I have recently come into the habit of spending my days hanging around my house in pajamas and sweat pants. Not really a big issue if you don't plan on entertaining the masses....

I, however, have begun to think this is a complete mistake.

Standing in my kitchen, surveying the clutter that had amassed itself upon my countertop, I suddenly hear a knock at my door. Horrified and half afraid of how terrible I really looked, I peeked my head around the corner to see my friend Sandy standing at the door.

It's at this moment in time that you really just want to crawl into a crack in the linoleum and die.

Happy to see her, yet completely ashamed of my hovel and ramshackle appearance, I open the door and ask her to come in. Asking her to forgive the baby spittle that was all over my top and the blanket fort that Thomas had built in the middle of the living room with the kitchen stools, I cleared a path for her in the toys that had been strewn around the floor so we could sit and chat on the couch.

I can't help but remember the days when I had only 1 child and my house was always so clean and tidy and everything was in it's place. I long for those days.......

Those days are long gone, however!

I am now surrounded by blankets on stools and candy wrappers in the couch cushions, fingerprints on every window in the house and melted snow everywhere you look.

Even as I sit here and write this I look out the window only to find my 13 year old has put an extension ladder up to the roof and is bouncing up and down on it before my very eyes.

If I make it through this thing they call "Motherhood" I can tell you one thing, I deserve a medal.

Sometimes I would love to just kick my own ass....

2008-02-12T21:59:00.002-05:00

I am so tired I want to just drop.

So, why am I not sleeping you may be asking?

Let me tell you! Silly me decided to drink 3 MDX's during my medical terminology class tonight. What was I thinking??

(In case you're wondering, MDX's are Mountain Dews with probably 3 times the amount of caffiene in them.)

I am now exhausted, wired, suffering from an insane headache, and suffering from PMS to boot.

Throw a 12 week old baby into the mix and now we're talking misery.

You're taking me where to have what done?!?

2008-02-07T17:10:00.000-05:00

I'm the meanest Mommy on earth!

2008-02-07T13:11:00.000-05:00

Princess Hannah received her first round of immunization shots today. Poor little thing! She handled it like a champ, though, only crying briefly, all be it loudly, at the end.

I have to say, I don't think I've ever seen her head turn that red before.

The pediatrician says she's doing well, she's healthy, and she's 'a cute baby'.

I wonder if they say that to all the babies Mommies....

And I survived yet another snow day.......

2008-02-06T11:32:00.000-05:00

Here I am, in class, thanking God I have this break from the kids.

I don't know how those stay at home Moms can do it! I really give them a ton of credit, I am failing miserably at it. I long for the days when I could get up in the morning and go to work.

But, here I am, studying for a new line of work in hopes that I will once again be one of those career women!