Slightly Mad
Do you ever feel slightly insane? Like, if one more thing happens you're just going to snap?
That would be me, today, at this very moment. Life maddens me to the point that I think I'm just going to run away and never come back.
They say parenting is the best job in the world. I beg to differ!! Obviously 'they' have never been fortunate enough to be parents to my kids. Between the constant fighting and screaming there is always the utter destruction to anything that comes their way. Just yesterday I went outside to find that my entire jeep is encircled with a continuous ring of scratches. Through my disbelief and tears I find that Thomas had taken match box cars and drove them on the paint.
Even now, as I sit here typing this, I can hear Thomas outside crying and yelling at Zachary. Apparently Zachary has taken Thomas's pudding, pudding which I had firmly told him he was not allowed to have, pudding which he snuck outside anyway against my wishes. Zachary, naturally, is being a brute and a bully. I really can't wait for the day that Thomas catches up to him and beats his ass into the ground. Yes, I know, that is one of the most horrible things a Mom could say, but I can't help it, he deserves to feel the same wrath he dishes out.
And this sadness that I feel, I just wish it would go away. I just can't seem to make it stop. Always something, something I can't control, happening to make things more difficult. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel so overwhelmed. A person should not feel this way, the weight of the world should not rest entirely on the shoulders of one individual.
At work I'm expected to fight all the battles. Constantly I listen as the girls bicker and talk about each other behind their backs, watch and judge for myself as to what the real situation is. And then there are the work related issues, the issues that are all about what my real job is. The job they pay me for. Manage production, present successes and action plans for failures, ensure the tasks that are expected of my areas are completed on a day to day basis, no matter what the challenge. A completely thankless job.
At home I'm invisible. I'm out numbered and completely invisible. Nobody listens to me as I tell them to pick up after themselves. Why should they? They know in the end I can't stand to live in filth, I will clean up their paper plates and food splatter they leave all over the counter. I will pick up the piles of dirty laundry they leave all over the living room and kitchen. Even if I do completely lose my patience and force them to clean it is such a half assed job I become irate and scream and cry.
Definitely not the way I want my family to see me, screaming and crying is never a solution. It makes you appear weak, it makes you appear worthless.
I feel like I'm the only person in this world who knows that I am not worthless.
That would be me, today, at this very moment. Life maddens me to the point that I think I'm just going to run away and never come back.
They say parenting is the best job in the world. I beg to differ!! Obviously 'they' have never been fortunate enough to be parents to my kids. Between the constant fighting and screaming there is always the utter destruction to anything that comes their way. Just yesterday I went outside to find that my entire jeep is encircled with a continuous ring of scratches. Through my disbelief and tears I find that Thomas had taken match box cars and drove them on the paint.
Even now, as I sit here typing this, I can hear Thomas outside crying and yelling at Zachary. Apparently Zachary has taken Thomas's pudding, pudding which I had firmly told him he was not allowed to have, pudding which he snuck outside anyway against my wishes. Zachary, naturally, is being a brute and a bully. I really can't wait for the day that Thomas catches up to him and beats his ass into the ground. Yes, I know, that is one of the most horrible things a Mom could say, but I can't help it, he deserves to feel the same wrath he dishes out.
And this sadness that I feel, I just wish it would go away. I just can't seem to make it stop. Always something, something I can't control, happening to make things more difficult. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't feel so overwhelmed. A person should not feel this way, the weight of the world should not rest entirely on the shoulders of one individual.
At work I'm expected to fight all the battles. Constantly I listen as the girls bicker and talk about each other behind their backs, watch and judge for myself as to what the real situation is. And then there are the work related issues, the issues that are all about what my real job is. The job they pay me for. Manage production, present successes and action plans for failures, ensure the tasks that are expected of my areas are completed on a day to day basis, no matter what the challenge. A completely thankless job.
At home I'm invisible. I'm out numbered and completely invisible. Nobody listens to me as I tell them to pick up after themselves. Why should they? They know in the end I can't stand to live in filth, I will clean up their paper plates and food splatter they leave all over the counter. I will pick up the piles of dirty laundry they leave all over the living room and kitchen. Even if I do completely lose my patience and force them to clean it is such a half assed job I become irate and scream and cry.
Definitely not the way I want my family to see me, screaming and crying is never a solution. It makes you appear weak, it makes you appear worthless.
I feel like I'm the only person in this world who knows that I am not worthless.
@ 11:10 AM
9 Comments:
I don't think you're worthless!!!! You're not only a mom and career woman, but a sweet and wonderful person. I hope things get better, I'll be thinking about you... :)
I can feel your pain in every word that you write. I know the invisible mom syndrome, I am there with you. I have times where I feel helpless and used, at home and at work. I can't tell you how many times I have gone on strike and after a few days just gave up, gave in and had 3 times the amount of work to catch up on. I wish I were there to lend you a hand and give you a shoulder to lean on. Hang in there and know that we are all here for you, always.
You seem an intelligent and happening person, perhaps its time to sit down and take stock of what you have.
Sherri you are totally NOT worthless and it pisses me off a little that you even think you are.(only a little I assure you).
I can imagine you're a great Mom with two boys full of beans and a little mischief.
I think you've mentioned on a few blog entries that the ONE person who doesn't value you enough is the person closest to you and that's very sad. No one should ever take what you do for the family for granted, particularly him.
Just by your writing and your sharp wit, I can tell you're a smart girl who just doesn't get recognised for what you bring to your family.
You might want to tell me to mind my own business Sherri, but I really hope you can talk to hubby and express how worthless and under-appreciated you feel at times.
You've got a number of really good blogging buddies here girl, who won't have all the solution...but we can all help you to make decisions about your life.
Smile Sherri (or I'll send Heino round).
ben, I have tried to talk to him, it doesn't do any good. I might as well be talking to thin air.
One of three things will happen:
1. He'll cut me off in the middle of every single sentence I try to speak. In the end, nothing is accomplished by me, he, however, has been able to accomplish totally enfuriating me.
2. He will tell me to go buy myself something. I'm not a little kid, you can't buy me off with gifts anymore. And, to be honest, most of the time we can't afford to be out there wasting money on crap.
3. He throws my affair up in my face. 9 months ago I had an affair and only 2 people knew about it until just now. I don't even care anymore, something was way wrong for me to even consider such a thing because I'm so against it. I can't explain why I did it. Things are just too out of control.
You are not worthless. You are a productive caring parent and person. Don't let one person get you down. I am rooting for you.
When I went through something similar - I just went nuts. I thought I really WAS nuts, so I tried to help myself. Ate some St. Johns Wort, wrote in my journal - even got counseling... eventually things evened out and I got my sanity back (for the most part - LOL)
I think you are a great gal - loving Mom, and funny sweet person. (I've been reading you for quite a while - I'm a credible witness :-D) Keep on hanging in there.
Hugs
Sherri,
I hate the way people use a past misdemeanor as a stick to beat their loved one with. It's a cheap shot and makes me wonder if he trusts you, or is he using the argument to belittle you and gain the upper hand.
Whichever way you look at it, it's so wrong to do that to you.
No, I agree. I don't like being a daddy sometimes. I've got a great child, she is wonderful, loving, etc. But I'm just not happy being a dad.
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