Feed the Children

I'm embarrassed to admit that my daughter could have easily passed for the spokesbaby in a 'Feed the Children' commercial earlier this afternoon.

Egads.....

I had given her a graham cracker to chomp on. Perfect for babies who are teething, btw. They become soft and mushy, easily swallowed, while the cracker itself stays firmly in tact.

Leaving the kitchen for only a moment, I ran upstairs and grabbed a few items to do a load of laundry. Upon my return I find Princess Hannah, completely covered with graham cracker mush from head to toe with a poopy diaper that could be detected by scent from across the room. If that weren't bad enough 3 flies had started circling her bald head occasionally landing on her forehead as she waved her filthy little hands wildly in the air.

The only thing missing was the tattered tank top and mismatched shoes.

Should I be worried?

My 5 year old happened to see a beetle on the porch tonight.

I couldn't help but laugh at how his little mind operates!

"Look Mom, a beetle. Awww..... cute beetle. I'm goint to poke it with a stick," he says, turning on his heel and heading off in search of a stick.

"You are? I thought you said it was cute," I smiled, inwardly laughing.

"It is but I don't want it to eat my brain," he had a dead serious expression on his little face.

It was so cute I couldn't help but laugh. I wonder if I thought things like that when I was his age.

My New Toy

I have a new grill!!

Charmglow Porcelain Series 48,000 BTUs 4 Burner - 810-7400-S at The Home Depot

I may never cook on my stove again.....

The Starbuck's Barista Guy

Gaylord just isn't ready for 'Metrosexual' yet.

I stopped at Starbuck's today so I could spend $6 on a thimble full of coffee and sit in the artificially created ambiance of the elite.

It was kind of fun, I have to say. I met a friend for coffee so I could show off Princess Hannah. Little did I know the barista guy would absolutely fall in love with her. Then again, how could he not?? She is the cutest thing on the face of this earth.

I'm not so sure the feeling was mutual, however. I could tell by the look on her face that the spikey blond hair and the trendy black granny glasses just weren't doing it for her.

She gets that exact same look when she's wearing a poopy diaper.

Hello Beautiful

This is Hannah and I on my birthday..... Aren't we just the cutest??

I blew up my microwave oven today. How in the heck does something like that happen?? And, worse yet, why am I such a complete numskull when it comes to situations like that??

So, there I stand, chips and cheese in hand with the intent to use the microwave oven.

Bright flash, loud noise, sudden loss of power, me standing wide eyed and dumbstruck in the kitchen.

Hmmm..... I think to myself. What in the heck happened? Power surge? Did I lose power? I'm certain I payed the light bill.... or did I? Did I forget? No, I remember paying it online. So what happened? Oh, a clicking noise, I've heard that before, but when? The furnace! It clicked like that the last time the circuit breaker tripped! That's it! I need to flip the breakers. But wait - I've flipped them all and the microwave still doesn't work. Damn! I guess that means no chips and cheese.

And that, folks, is a snap shot on how the inner workings of my mind operates. Scary, isn't it.

Only at my house.....

• Can you look up and discover a paper airplane resting on one of the blades of the ceiling fan and not really wonder how it got there.
• Can you wake up in the morning and discover a cheerio stuck to your face and not have a clue where it came from.
• Can you buy $120 worth of groceries only to discover, hours later, "we have nothing to eat."
• Can you shut the refridgerator door 15 times and still find it open the next time you walk past it.
• Can you bait a fishing hook, read a fashion magazine, and comb your dog while using the toilet in the downstairs bathroom.
• Can you find candles, diapers, and peroxide in the same drawer in my dresser.

Happy Birthday to Me!!

So, it is official, I am now 34 years old.

Funny, I don't feel any different.....

I'm feeling pretty good, actually, especially since I did indeed decide to pickle my liver last night with some Miller Chill.

BTW, if you've never had it, it's pretty good. I really like it, anyway. Just a light beer with a hint of lime.

Funny story.....

Picture it. Charlie, Thomas, Hannah, and I are all in the beer isle at Wal Mart. Charlie is asking me what I wanted to drink to celebrate my birthday with. After looking around in the isle I happened to see the Miller Chill and remembered that I had once thought about wanting to give it a try.

"Ooooh, let's get some Miller Chill," I state, pointing at the 6-pack.

"You sure that's what you want?" Charlie is questioning just to make sure I don't change my mind. I change my mind a lot when it comes to food products and alcohol.

"Yeah, I saw Scott drinking it the other day, I thought it looked good," Thomas has begun tugging on my sleeve. I look down to see what he wants.

"Are you drunk Mom?" Thomas is speaking in a loud voice, people up and down the isle have now turned to look in our direction. His big round eyes are totally sincere.

"No, I'm not drunk," I laugh, trying not to draw any more attention to us then we already have.

"But you're buying beer," he replies, big brown eyes staring up at me. I'm still laughing a little, he certainly did look cute.

"Just because you buy beer it doesn't mean you are drunk. You don't get drunk until you've had too much to drink," I had no idea what else to tell him.

When the man who was standing near the wine started to laugh I knew it was time to get the heck out of there.

Egads!

Today in kindergarten....

I stopped in at Thomas's school to drop off his permission slip and field trip money.

It was quite the experience, I must say.

I'm always amazed at what people feel comfortable saying to me. I was standing near the door holding Hannah, another Mom was standing next to me chit chatting with me. In those few short moments I learned more about this woman then I ever wanted to know about anyone. She was there with her youngest son who was 'special needs', the doctor had advised her not to have any more kids, her 5 year old daughter was in Thomas's class, and she also had a 10 year old.

As Mrs. Keck approached the other Mom was in the midst of a story about how her daughter had asked her to order a baby.

I swear to God the woman looks at Mrs. Keck and blurts out "So, when are you due to have your next one?"

Of course, Mrs. Keck is totally on the spot and has no idea what to say. She just stands there for a moment, dumbfounded, and blurts out, "Probably sometime after I quit taking birth control pills."

I couldn't help but laugh.

I mean, the entire situation couldn't have been more inappropriate! In a tiny way, she reminds me of myself. Granted, I'm not a 90lb hispanic kindergarten teacher, but I find we have a lot of the same personality traits. I'm so glad Thomas had her for his first teacher.

I'm hoping her positive influence will benefit him as he advances through the grades.

My birthday, my friend Sandy, and paper thin oatmeal cookies.

My friend Sandy stopped by the house yesterday with a bowl of cookie dough.

Weird, yes, but it was really good to have a little company that doesn't drool cheerios and bite everything in sight.

We talked about everything, I miss that. Of all my friends, Sandy is the one I can talk trash to and know she won't think less of me because I'm a vindictive, backstabbing bitch.

We've actually laughed about how nice I used to be and how much I've changed over the past couple of years.

It was my job that changed me. Being a member of management ruined my perception of a lot of things. It is a subtle change at first, you don't even notice it happening at all. The next thing you know you are detached from feeling holding another individuals future in your uncaring hands and not feeling a thing one way or the other.

Thank God that is behind me now.

Unfortunately, something that is not behind me right now is my birthday. I just can't believe I'm going to be 34 this Sunday. I'm getting old. :(

Not even the horrible 'supposed' oatmeal cookies Sandy and I made yesterday could cheer me up.

Now that's bad. A good kitchen catastrophe can cheer anyone up.

I think I'm going to just to out Saturday and 'tie one on', nothing like a good drunk to get you through a birthday. Plus, everything usually looks rosier if you're half-in-the-bag.

And the award for angler of the year goes to.......

Zach Sanders for catching the smallest fish to ever have been caught with a hook and worm.

Congratulations Zach!

Another Mother's Day Under my Belt

I didn't actually get to do anything I wanted to do on my day, nor did I get any presents. I have to say, the day kind of sucked.

We ended up spending the day down at my mother-in-law's house. Being with my husbands family is like yelling 'fire' in a crowded movie theater, just stand back and wait to be trampled.

I think the highlight to my day was the realization that I had told Janet I absolutely didn't want to bring any of her stuff home with me only to discover the back end of my jeep was loaded up with crap.

What in the hell am I going to need a foam ball wearing a Detroit Tigers hat and a pair of sunglasses for???

And that's just for starters........

Priceless

Kia Spectra....................................................$16,500
Old Navy Belted Sweater............................$19.99
Car Wash.......................................................$6.00
Me cruising around town with half my sweater hanging out the door..........Priceless

Imagine my embarrassment as the pock faced, greasy haired, scary looking car wash attendant started banging on my door to inform me my "shirt is hanging out the door." I stared at him in disbelief for a moment before it even registered in my mind.

The whole time I was driving around town I could hear something banging against my door. It was my SWEATER hanging out the door flapping in the breeze!

Electricity was in the air........

Literally

Thomas's school has a book fair going on right now so I decided to stop in and pick up a few new books for him.

Little did I know what I had in store for me.

We get to the door and find a couple electricians pulling down ceiling tiles, attempting to run new wire to somewhere.

I have to admit, even though I was carrying a baby and walking a 5 year old to his PTO organized book fair, I was ogling them.

Perhaps a little too much......

As we headed down the hallway on the way to the media center the guy on the ladder had smiled at me and said Hi. Naturally, trying not to be rude, I smiled back and anticipated walking past him without much more than that.

Instead, I smile, trip on the wires that were lying all over the floor, catch my balance on his ladder, and start to laugh.

Lost: Any Sense of Dignity I Might Have Once Posessed

Found: Humiliation, 2 Left Feet, and a Near Britney Spears Baby Dropping Episode

Summer Vacation

This is my last week of classes until September 2.

I can't believe I'm actually going to have a summer vacation.....

Do you know how long it's been since I've had the summer off? 1994 was the last year I spent any time during the summer that I was not gainfully employed.

I'm not sure what to think about this.

On one hand I feel kind of happy. Time off, time to spend with the kids, no need to get up early or even leave the house if I don't want to.

On the other hand, no need to go anywhere...... That useful needed feeling you get when you have obligation and responsibility is gone.

I'm getting better though, I feel good today. I feel like I'm going to be able to get through this rough time of my life and be a better person because it happened. Deep down I know I needed to make a break from that miserable job, it's just scary now that it has happened. I'm scared because I lost that sense of security but I think I'm going to be just fine.

I'm actually looking forward to some time off this summer.

Have you planted a tree lately?

The lady at the tree sale gave this tree to Thomas last weekend.

He loved the tree so much he wanted his picture with it! I can't believe how big he's getting. It seems like just the other day he was Hannah's age.....

Having kids is such a funny thing. One minute you want to just choke the life out of them and the next you want to hug them and keep them in your arms forever.

My wits are challenged these days by Zachary. He's going to be 14 and he thinks he's about 40. Every once in a while I get through to him, the little bugger. Last night we were watching tv and he had complained about being bored and how his friends all had cool stuff and he didn't.

In my usual sarcastic flair, I commented to him about how terrible it must be to have all of his needs met, food on the table, clothes on his back, and a roof over his head. I then commented on how his eyes appeared sunken in and his cheeks hollowed out from neglect.

He laughed. He knew what I was getting at.

I then asked him, in the same sarcastic tone, how he could say he doesn't have any cool stuff when he has 2 dirtbikes, and a go-cart, and a pedal bike, and a computer, and a playstation with a bunch of games, and a very expensive mp3 player, and parents who take him to fishing tournaments and treetops and taxidermy........

Sometimes he just needs to be reminded of what he does have. I can honestly say I never had that kind of stuff when I was a kid. One of these days I'm going to have to tell Zachary about what it was like when I was a kid. He has started asking me why I don't have any family and is surprised when he overhears me once in a while make reference to a cousin or family member.

I don't want him to know that I used to suffer as a kid.

I had a mom who gave me bloody noses and locked me in my bedroom when I was tiny. I had a dad who did nothing about it to stop it. I had a mom who had a nervous breakdown and tried to commit suicide all the time. I had a dad who was a complete alcoholic and lives his life to this day in severe depression. I grew up living in dumpy trailers because my parents were white trash bar flies.

While that all sounds terrible, it did make me the person I am today. I knew when I grew up I would never let this happen again. My kids would never feel unloved and unwanted. They would always know, no matter how mad I am and how much I yell, they are my life and my love for them is unconditional.