Appropriate Work Place Attire

It is NEVER appropriate for an individuals butt crack to be visible, ever, especially if said individual is in the upright walking position.

I have had the unfortunate, nearly vision impairing, experience of witnessing one of the delivery truck drivers actually scratch his very visible butt crack crease, as he was walking, right in front of me.

I shall have nightmares from this horrible experience for days.

Received in an Email from Joe:

Sherri,

Today is "National Speak English With A Chinese Accent" day. Can you do that better than the Pirate thing?

Joe Xxxxxx
Production Manager



In today's production managers meeting it was revealed to everyone that I, the one and only Sherri Sanders, spent an entire summer skinny dipping everyday after work with one of her coworkers, the coworker's boyfriend, and the boyfriend's cousin.

Now, why on earth, you say, would I even bring something like this up in a meeting?? Here's the story........

Julie, Helen, and I are innocently talking about crazy things we've done and skinny dipping hits the topic of conversation. I begin to tell my tale, in what I thought was confidence, and state "I'll never forget the time I went skinny dipping with Stephani....."

I suddenly see Joe's head appear above the cubicle wall, face beat red, fingers gripping the cage, saying "So, tell me more about this experience." I thought I was going to die!! He had been sitting over there hanging on our every word.

I had refused to go on, would not say another word. As retaliation to the snake incident, Joe decides he's going to pull out the entire story today, in the production managers meeting, for all to hear.

Let's just say, that one story opened the flood gates for everyone. I now know more then I ever wanted to know about my fellow coworkers.

Jim has decided our next production managers field trip should involve skinny dipping. His defense, there were a couple of us who had never had the opportunity to experience this before. Yeah, right!

National Talk Like a Pirate Day

According to Joe today is supposed to be National Talk Like a Pirate Day. (I have looked this up and found that he is incorrect, however. September 19th is the actual day.)

Like always, something always pops out of the woodwork around this place, and I ended up being surprise audited in the receiving department. (Keep your fingers crossed that I did well!)

To add a little comedic relief to the audit, I happened to see Joe come strolling by, so I had everyone, including the auditors, talk in a pirate voice as he walked by.

Very funny!! I laughed so hard I was crying!

I'm afraid to say, however, this whole pirate thing is catching on. Audrey had overlooked something on one of the packing slips that was very visible when I took a peek. When I mentioned she was only supposed to be wearing one eye patch, not two, we all laughed and went "Aaargh!"

In Today's PM Meeting

As the production managers meeting hit full swing Jim burst through the conference room door singing:

"We're not gonna take this! No!! We aint gonna take this! We're not gonna take this, anymore...."

After which, a few of the other production managers joined in with the song.

If you can't tell, most of us are pretty frustrated at the moment. The meetings have even become depressing. I'm not sure how many more meetings I can take where we basically just sit and worry about gas prices and cost of living increases and the fact that we haven't had a pay increase in 5 years. It's making me a nervous wreck.

I felt an anxiety attack coming on yesterday, which scares the heck out of me. I haven't had one in 4 years, times of high stress bring them out in me. I have so much stuff going on right now, a lot of which I haven't even touched here in my blog.

All I can say is, I'm human, I'm not perfect. I'm desperately unhappy and I can't seem to fix it.

On a lighter note: One of the topics of discussion in the production managers meeting was favorite childhood toys. Mine was a Barbie make-your-own makeup kit. I loved that thing! I would literally sit for hours curling my hair and applying the makeup I had created. (Preparation for my future career as a Solid Gold dancer.)

What was your favorite childhood toy?

Save me from myself......

...before they have to haul me out of this place with a fork lift. I have done nothing but eat since I got here today.

I can see it now...

(Perfectly coiffed news woman with a plastic smile plastered across her face sitting at a news desk) "In today's news, woman dies of chocolate overload, details at 11:00." (Picture of a humongous me, slumped back in a recliner, candy wrappers littering the floor is displayed behind her.)

It is actually Fred's 80th birthday today, so, the sweets are everywhere. Naturally, everyone under the sun wants you to try their goodies.

I have just 2 things to say about this.

First, when I'm 80, I hope to God I'm not trucking my butt back and forth to work everyday. If there is any hope left out there for me, I'll be retired somewhere in a nice warm climate with my lotto winnings safely tucked away in my secret account.

Second, why do people make such a big deal out of it when you turn down their home made goodies? Come on! If I've already eaten a brownie, a piece of cake, and home made fudge, the last thing on earth that I want to do is shovel in yet another piece of cake. Please understand this and accept it, it is not meant to hurt your feelings or insult your cooking in any way.

And the madness continues.....

Today is one of those days that just make you want to throw your hands up in the air and quit. I'm surprised I haven't yet.

Crazy Office Supply Julie has been avoiding me like the plague. She almost appears to be afraid of me. Very odd. Only moments ago I passed her in the front office, and as my usual manner, in a friendly and cheery voice I said "Hello Julie". (This especially ticks off people who hate you, FYI.)

In a barely audible voice she says "hello" and immediately diverts her attention to the floor. Which only adds to the theory that she really is crazy. I'm still quite certain I will one day find a post it note attached to my bathroom mirror warning me of my demise as she hides with a knife behind my shower curtain.

I'm So Excited!

I finally got a yearly performance evaluation today! (My last eval was in 2001)

I received a 98%!!

I apologize for cutting things short today, but it's been a crazy month end around this joint. Can't wait until this week is through. Hope you all had an excellent day as well.

Care to join me?

I could soooo use an island paradise right now!

Saturday Morning Fever

I hate working Saturdays.

I was on time, for once, this morning. That is, until I got in my jeep and turned the key. Dead battery!! I wanted to scream. I ended up having to be driven to work this morning by Charlie, in his jeep. I'm certain by the time I got here I was coated in filth and smelled like a gas station. Yuck!

Upon arrival at work I discover that, because I didn't drive my jeep to work, I don't have the key to open the cage to the inspection area. It's on my key ring in my jeep. After finding out the maintenance guys aren't here, and cursing myself for having them fix the gate so people can't break in anymore, I go in search of Scott in hopes that he may have a key. He does not but one of his tech's offer to climb the fence for me.

The tech with the rotting yellow teeth, the one Ruthie asked me to assist in finding a woman for because I knew lots of people and was popular. Ack! Since that incident I do believe he has had a small crush on me. It's just a bad scene all around.

So, the tech breaks in for me and I suddenly realize. Scott was putting his coat on as I was asking him if he had a key to my cage. The only reason why he was up and here this morning was to open the shop for me. (I don't have keys, and I've never requested clearance. I figure, if it's an imposition on everyone, they'll soon quit asking me for coverage. So far, it hasn't worked.) I hurried out to the floor to apologize to him for having to come in and open the shop, but he insisted he had a few things to do this morning. I'm almost certain he's lying.

I'm definitely going to have to request training on opening and shutting the shop down. I feel horribly guilty now. Such a nice guy, anyone else would have griped up a storm.

Update on home computer: Still not working. I've been a month now without it, and it's driving me crazy. I'm going to have to take it in and have it looked at, again. I've mentioned before that I was going to do it, but, I'm the biggest procrastinator that ever walked the face of the earth. I still haven't done it. Shame on me!

She's at it again

Crazy Office Supply Julie is wearing my patience thin!

Tomorrow is my Saturday. I have to work. It's my turn to break out the sash and crown for my Ms. Saturday duties. I don't want to, but, I have to.

One of the responsibilities of the Saturday manager is to notify the front office of the Saturday head count to ensure enough donuts have been ordered. The person to notify? Crazy Office Supply Julie.

After her initial harassed and stressed greeting I tell her I have 69 people who will be working tomorrow. She sits in silence, then gripes that I need to send it to her in email, she is just way to busy to deal with this right now. I snap back. Email is down, she will just have to take care of it now. She then snaps at me asking for the second shift head count.

Like I'm going to know that!?!

In my sufficiently annoyed voice, I respond that in order for her to get that information, she really should speak with someone who actually works that shift. She hung up on me.

Now, had I been one of the male managers, the whole situation would have been completely different. As Helen put it, I don't have the 'right equipment' for her.

It is never a good idea to disclose personal fears to your fellow coworkers

When I happened to see the remote control snake out on the production floor I KNEW I had to borrow it! It was screaming out my name.

After hearing what I had planned to do with the snake, the woman who owned it was more then happy to lend it to me.

Crouching down in front of Laura's desk, I placed the snake just below her desk and watched Joe from the side.

Joe is deathly afraid of snakes!

I slowly inched the snake forward, just enough to make it look like it was creeping along, and pointed it's raised head right at Joe. Through the corner of his eye Joe sees the snake suddenly lunge forward in his direction.

What happens next is absolutely priceless.

Arms in the air, face red as a beet, eyes like saucers, Joe hurls his chair backward and says "Jeeezus!"

Not able to take it anymore, I begin to laugh as he vows vengeance on me, yet again.

In what month were you born?

(Ooooh... I'm May)

------------JANUARY-------------------
Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone* always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Lovable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. loves music. pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn. A fighter.

----------FEBRUARY--------------------
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

-----------------MARCH--------------------
Attractive personality. sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.

------------------APRIL-------------------
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confident. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking. generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer evryone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing. Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. hot but has brains.

-----------------MAY-----------------
A born Leader (if late May birthday). Loved by the opposite sex. Loves to be spoiled and spoil back. Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Amazingly the best by far in bed. Has all the answers to make others happy. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Not shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the lowerback and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves Sports, literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home (unless accompanied). Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Definitely a keeper.

------------JUNE-------------
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around. You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!

----------------~JULY~--------------
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

------------AUGUST---------------
outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. no self control. kind hearted. self confident. loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. easy to get along with and talk to. has an "every things peachy" attitude. likes talking and singing. loves music. daydreamer. easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. loves to be loved. hates studying. in need of "that someone". longs for freedom. rebellious when withheld or restricted. lives by "no pain no gain" caring. always a suspect. playful. mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious. independent. strong willed. a fighter.

------------SEPTEMBER---------------
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional. Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others. Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.

---------------OCTOBER-------------------
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart.

---------------NOVEMBER-----------------
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.

---------------DECEMBER---------------
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible Loyal and generous. Patriotic. Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Gets angry often. Can be obsessive compulsive. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. one guy/girl kind of person. Lovable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting cold. loves music. pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Sensitive.

Hey Curly, where's Mo?

The events of last night could have been a Three Stooges routine in the making.

It started innocently enough, just a little yard work, burn a few twigs and excess debris that had accumulated throughout the course of the winter. Nothing really out of the norm.

1 eye injury, 2 leaf fires, 1 missing dog, 4 reappearing tent stakes, and 1 out of control drunk later, I was collapsing in my bed, red eyed and smeared with soot.

The comedy routine was soon underway with the arrival of Rick, the drunken divorcee. Rick decides to throw a giant cardboard box in the burning barrel, big mistake. Flaming embers fly everywhere from the out of control fire that is raging in the burning barrel. I turn to my left, the tent is on fire. I turn to my right, the leaves all around the propane tank are ablaze. I was ready to throw Rick right in the barrel. Tent already ruined, I head over to the propane tank with a shovel to put out the burning leaves.

I was literally fuming!

Smacking the ground with my shovel like a mad woman, I spin around when Charlie shows up with the garden hose.

Enter Scene: Eye Injury

As I'm mid spin sand flies into my eyes, temporarily blinding me. Choked by smoke, sprayed with water, blinded by sand, I stand in the midst of chaos trying to find my way out.

Rick had taken a shovel full of sand and tossed it over the fire to put it out, totally disregarding the fact that I was standing there and nearly had it completely out already.

Tripping on tent stakes that Thomas had pushed into the ground around my feet, I manage to limp away from the scene, only to find out Zach's dog had seen his opportunity to run and disappeared in the midst of all the commotion.

I'm quite certain I was quite a sight asI canvassed the block looking for that dog.

The Results are in

Have you ever been skinny dipping?

84% of you would do it again
0% of you regretted the dip
6% of you are on the edge of your seat waiting for the opportunity
10% of you would walk on hot coals before taking the dip

I was just thinking.....

• I would love to see my work place nemesis totally humiliate herself in front of the masses. Yesterday at the PTL class Greg asked me where I was during the Invivo luncheon. I explained to Greg that I had 'hot parts' to inspect. My work place nemesis bursts out hilariously laughing and says "Pop tarts?? You ate pop tarts?" What the hell!?! If you're going to dip into my conversation, at least get your facts straight before you try to make me look like an ass!
• Sometimes I just want to run away. I pulled into the parking lot this morning and the urge to flee just absolutely consumed me. Flashing before my eyes, I could see me, 10 years from now, pulling into the same parking spot, feeling the same sinking feeling of dread as I headed up to the door of my building. For a split second, I actually considered hopping in the jeep.
• Someone should invent something to keep a bar of soap from becoming squishy in the shower. I am absolutely grossed out by squishy soap. This morning, I grabbed the soap from the shower tray and it literally disintegrated in the palm of my hand. I was left with a handful of slime. Ack!
• Why do people become so attached to work place objects? I 'borrowed' the label maker that was bought for this end of the building from the RMA center. I've had it approximately 6 work hours. They have already requested it back twice. It was sitting in a fricking drawer collecting dust over there! Because I feel like being a bitch, I'm going to hang on to it for the rest of the day, even though I'm done using it. I may even hang on to it until Friday, just to see how many times they request it back.
• I absolutely love the red Life Savers jelly beans. Just wanted to throw that one in there.

I'm Elmo, what character are you?

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
.a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
.b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
.c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
.d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
.e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favorite type of music?
.a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
.b) Alternative (1 pt.)
.c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
.d) Country (5 pts.)
.e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?
.a) Comedy (2 pts.)
.b) Horror (1 pt.)
.c) Musical (3 pts.)
.d) Romance (4 pts.)
.e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could
choose one of these?
.a) Waiter (4 pts.)
.b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
.c) Teacher (3 pts.)
.d) Police (2 pts.)
.e) Cashier (1 pt)

5 . What do you do with your spare time?
.a) Exercise (5 pts.)
.b) Read (4 pts.)
.c) Watch television (2 pts.)
.d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
.e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?
.a) Yellow (1 pt.)
.b) White (5 pts.)
.c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
.d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
.e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?
.a) Snow (3 pts.)
.b) Pizza (2 pts.)
.c) Sushi (1 pt.)
.d) Pasta (4 pts.)
.e) Salad (5 pts.)

8 What is your favorite holiday?
.a) Halloween (1 pt.)
.b) Christmas (3 pts.)
.c) New Year (2 pts.)
.d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)
.e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
.a) Paris (4 pts)
.b) Spain (5 pts)
.c) Las Vegas (1 pt)
.d) Hawaii (4 pts)
.e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
.a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
.b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
.c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
.d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
.e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting
for!

Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and
back to the person that sent this to you.

Very interesting to see "who" your friends are!


(10-16 points) You are Garfield:
You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to
have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what
you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may
not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.


(17-23 points) You are Snoopy:
You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in
and you are never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to
satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days
more than once but you always come home with the family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but
only after you have had your share of fun times.


(24-28 points) You are Elmo:
You have lots of friends and you are also popular, always willing to
give advice and help out a person in need. You are very optimistic and
you always see the bright side of things. Some good advice: try not to
be too much of a dreamer. Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in
your life.


(29-35 points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:
You are the classic person that everyone loves. You are the best friend
that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose. You never cause
harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings. Life
is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part. Stay away from
traitors and jealous people, and you will be stress free.


(36-43 points) You are Charlie Brown:
You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious
about all relationships. You are a family person. You call your Mom
every Sunday. You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.


(44-50 points) You are Dexter:
You are smart and definitely a thinker... Every situation is fronted
with a plan. You have a brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong
family principles. You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a bad
situation when it comes. Try to do less over thinking every once in a
while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

.....and all I was left with was a gummy mouse

I cried my eyes out this morning.

I spent the morning with Zach, eating breakfast, getting his gear ready for 6th grade camp, encouraging him about how much fun he was going to have, telling him that once he gets on the bus he's going to forget all about the fears that were plaguing his thoughts. We got to the school, I helped him carry his stuff to the door, and smiled big. I asked him for a hug, which he gladly gave, and felt the tears welling in the back of my eyes. Seeing other kids heading for the door, I told him he'd better get going, they would be leaving soon.

In reality, I needed to get going, I didn't want him to see how sad I was. I knew I was going to cry. It seems like just the other day I was dropping him off at school for the first day of kindergarten. Here I am, now, dropping him off for 6th grade camp.

The minute I got back in the jeep I could feel the tears begin to fall. He's growing up on me.

On another topic: Because I arrived at work late this morning, someone decided to have a little fun with my desk.

I arrived to work and found a completely barren desk, with the exception of one thing, a light grey gummy mouse sitting directly in the center.

The scums!! I can't wait to get even!

Spring Break in Michigan

Who's got the sunscreen??

A few things to think about:

Can you cry under water?
_____

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
_____

Why do you have to "put your two cents in," but it's only "a penny for your thoughts"? Where does that extra penny go?
_____

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
_____

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
_____

What disease did cured ham actually have?
_____

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
_____

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up, like, every two hours?
_____

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
_____

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
_____

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
_____

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
_____

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
_____

Why do all toasters have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
_____

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
_____

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
_____

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
_____

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
_____

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs, for pete's sake!
_____

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
_____

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
_____

Do the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
_____

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
_____

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

A Day in the Life of Sherri

Scene: Production managers meeting. Sherri is walking through the conference room door, Joe is sitting at the table.

• Joe {smiling, staring down at Sherri's feet} Ok, let's see 'em.
• Sherri {smiling back} See what??
• Joe {leaning over table to view Sherri's feet} You know.
• Sherri {lifting right foot into the air} You mean these??? {laughing} I've got my ugly black shoes on today.
• Joe {raising eyebrows, slightly rolling eyes} Oh...... you mean the combat boots.
• Connie {chuckling} I take it you don't like the combat boots.
• Joe {forced sigh} They're just not as sparkly.

The scene ends as other production managers begin filing into the room and actual production topics become the focus of the meeting.

On a different topic: This morning I discovered the guy who lives on the corner of my road was arrested for setting up a child pornography site at an internet cafe in town. It was on the TV news!! I'm absolutely freaked right out about it. My oldest son has rode his bike past this guys house a million times. It's every parents worst nightmare to find out something like this could happen right on their own block. Out of the situation there is one thing that puts my mind just a little at ease, just a little, and that is the fact that this guy who was arrested lived with his father and stepmother, and I did happen to notice both of his dogs are now gone and a big pile of boxes are sitting in the barn. Perhaps the father and stepmother have decided he needs to live elsewhere when he gets out of jail? I can only cross my fingers and hope this is the case.

Now, tell me you don't love these shoes......

I have become known plant wide for my choice in shoes. I just can't help it, I love these shoes!



Funny for the day:

How do you get a girl to pick cotton?

Tell her the string is on fire.

Calgon, take me away.......

This has been the crazy day from hell, swear to God. I hate days like this. My phone has been ringing off the hook, I can't keep up with the emails, and the Fed Ex lady dropped off the paychecks for Cooper Standard here. Yikes! Let's hope today wasn't payday for them.

It's almost like the stars have aligned in a heinous misery spiral for me.

Highlight of my day: Helen sneezed and blew the kleenex right out of her hand. That's just exactly how bad my day has been.

Even the weather has turned on me. Humid and misting rain. My hair is a rats nest with a silver clip holding it out of my eyes.

A joke to end the day

The boss was in a quandary. He had to lay someone off. He had it narrowed down to one of two people: Beck Smith or John Kimball. It was an impossible decision, they were both good workers.

Rather then flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one to use the water cooler the following morning.

Becky came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the water cooler to take an aspirin.

The boss approached her and said, "Becky, I've never done this before, but I have to either lay you or jack off."

"Could you jack off?" she asked. "I feel like shit."


on a side note: My home computer is still on the fritz, looks like I'll have to take it in and get it looked at. It's really bumming me out, I miss cruising around on the net at home. :(

A Day in the Life of Sherri

Scene: Sherri and an unknown patron are standing in line at the Shell gas station on the corner.

gas station register guy - gsrg
unknown patron - up

• gsrg {scratching head, staring intently at Sherri's debit card} That'll be $3.11. Would you like a lottery ticket with that?
• Sherri {trying to hurry} No thank you.
• gsrg {still staring intently at Sherri's debit card} Would you like a bag for your purchases?
• Sherri {getting a little impatient, still trying to be polite nonetheless} No thank you.
• gsrg {staring intently at Sherri's debit card, scratches butt} Would you like a lottery ticket today?
• up {losing his cool} She doesn't want a God damn lotto ticket! Just ring up the dame pop and chips already asshole.
• Sherri {thinking to self} OMG, this guy read my mind, how funny is that.
• Sherri {taking slip of paper handed to her by the gsrg} May I have a pen please? {Already regretting not having a pen in her purse.}
• gsrg {scratching butt again} What color would you like? I have black or blue ink.
• up {has lost it and thrown his crap on the counter} Just quit scratching your ass and give her a God damn pen! I've got shit to do! {Sherri begins to laugh and can't stop}

The scene ends as Sherri finally gets her debit card back and the gas station register guy finally begins to ring up the unknown patron. Don't you just love customer service??

Don't ya just love Easter??

If I could grant you 3 wishes, what would they be?

Yes, indeed, I have my genie shoes on again today.

Thinking perhaps the attention would have died down by now, I wore them today. I was totally incorrect on that assumption!


My Wishes

1. Win a large enough sum of money that would allow me to live comfortably for the rest of my life
2. Get a kick ass job that doesn't require me to do performance evaluations (I have 6 evals to brief this month, absolutely one of the most dreaded parts of my job)
3. Go to a tropical resort and vacation for a month (I'm am sooooo in need of a little rest and relaxation)

A crappy end to a crappy day

Never use the ladies restroom where I work. Ever.

I was in washing my hands when I see, with my own eyes, one of my good friends exit a restroom stall, chit chat with me for a few seconds, and LEAVE the bathroom. Do you notice something amiss with that scenario??

She did not wash her hands!!!

I am both grossed out and horrified. Never again will I use anything that is on her desk, nor will she be 'borrowing' a pen from me.

As I was standing, staring in disgust at her retreating form, I hear the sound of water hitting the floor. After a few seconds of thought I realize, it's a toilet overflowing. Not only did she not wash her hands, her toilet overflowed. Ack!

I may never be able to look this woman in the eye again.

Depressed

I'm in a funk that I just can't seem to escape. I sure wish I could.

This reminds me of the day I was discharged from the hospital after I gave birth to Thomas. I was suffering from post partum depression badly. Lack of sleep, total strangers in and out of my room constantly looking at me and my incision, and the constant crying from Thomas had driven me over the edge.

I was breast feeding Thomas when the morning nurse headed into my room. She had chastised me about not eating breakfast. Trying to be polite, I told her I would eat my breakfast as soon as I was finished feeding Thomas. This didn't fly with her. She picked up a spoon, dipped it in my oatmeal, and held it out like she was going to feed me. I lost it.

"I'm 28 years old. I do believe that I am able to feed myself appropriately, I suggest you put that spoon back in the bowl," I was glaring at her.

"Honey, you've got to take care of yourself, I'm here to help," the spoon didn't waver.

I cried. I cried my eyes out because the stupid nurse would not leave me alone. The next thing I know she's hugging me and telling me I have post partum depression. I told her I had to get out of that hospital room or I was going to go insane. She assured me she was going to call in my doctor.

Not 30 seconds after she left my room the lactation consultant walked in. I cringed, on the multiple visits I'd had with her, I was forced to show her my bare chest every time. In fact, after the second visit, she was no longer referred to as 'The Lactation Consultant' by me anymore, I now referred to her as 'The Nipple Lady'. It was on that second visit that she had informed me of my unique nipple condition. (Apparently there are genetically different types of nipples out there, and, while they all look very similar to each other, there are slight differences. Mine are different from each other. I can't believe I just exposed this in a blog entry. Ugh!)

Needless to say, when my husband called me on the phone that morning, I was crying on the shoulders of The Nipple Lady telling her I needed to go home. Within 20 minutes he was at the hospital. Red flags flew up everywhere as I was telling him about how I had cried on her shoulders.

The morning nurse had been true to her words. By the time my husband arrived Dr. Wilcox had just shown up for my examination, he wasn't due to check on me until the following day. Believe it or not, he did allow me to be released from the hospital, and I did end up checking myself out at 6:00 that evening.

I would not have survived another day.

Man vs. Woman - The Shower

How To Shower Like a Woman


Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to
lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do
more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and
pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added
vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until
red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mold spots with Tilex.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man


Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a
pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo'
sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.

Get in the shower. Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

Pee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the
whole time.

Admire wiener size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

I'm feeling blah again

It has snowed continuously for the past 3 days, we must have at least 6 inches of snow on the ground again. It's just so fricking depressing.....

Zachary is doing a paper on Newfoundland and our home computer is not working (which is really beginning to piss me off a little) so I'm taking him to the public library tonight. I can almost picture the scene as I sit here typing this. I'm running around the library chasing a loud and unruly Thomas (he only does this when we're in public and he knows it totally embarrasses me), Zach is pretending to be incapable of doing anything without my help (he totally does a half assed attempt at things because he knows I'll get frustrated and just do things for him), and everyone in the library will be staring at us (because we will undoubtedly be the loud out of control family that is tearing up the joint).

Hmmm.... Note to self: when finished with this post, call Kathy and tell her you'll be late picking up Thomas.

On the Helen front: The Banjo Picker is coming out with a new CD and Helen is absolutely ecstatic. Apparently, Andrew (BP's son) told Helen his dad would be adding a song to the CD that Helen had requested. She has proclaimed to Julie and I that she is a Banjo Picker groupie. Yikes!

High School

What were you like in High School??

This was one of the topics in today's pm meeting, in fact, we're all bringing in senior pictures tomorrow to share with the group. This could be interesting, one of us graduated in 1969!

(Home computer is on the blink, so, I'll be sure to post the picture I've selected tomorrow)

The one thing that stands out most in my mind about my graduation is the part where the muffler fell off my car on the way to the High School. Talk about arriving in style! LOL

My first car ever was an old two toned blue Chevette 4 speed stick shift, floor boards rusted out on the passenger side. (Literally, you could see the road beneath you as you cruised down the road.) The passenger side window was missing the crank, in it's place was an adjustable wrench. You had to slam the doors shut to ensure they closed tightly, otherwise, they would fly open as you rounded a corner. And, of course, the muffler was always falling off.

So, Jessica, my friend Krystyn, my brother, and I all set off in my car headed to the high school for my graduation. I still remember how excited I was, that was such a big deal to me. I was finally an adult, I was scared to death, I was anxious to see what lie ahead, I was turning the page in a new chapter of my life.

We get just about there and I hit a pot hole, knocking the muffler loose, sparks and pieces of muffler flying everywhere behind me, the noise coming from my car rivaling that of a Sherman Tank. Jessica is laughing, saying "No Way!" repeatedly. We're all totally embarrassed, ducking down in the car, hoping nobody would notice us. Yeah, like that's going to happen.

Imagine pulling into the parking lot in that car! I wanted to die.

Tequila and Salt

(I received this in an email from a friend this morning, thought it was cute, so I posted it.)


You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.

1. There are at least two people in this world that you would die for.

2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.

3 The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like
you.

5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.

6. You mean the world to someone.

7. You are special and unique.

8. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.

9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

10. When you think the world has turned its back on you take another look.

11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.


And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!

The Woman, the Legend

Genie shoes have become synonymous with my name, I'm a legend within the four walls of my company. People everywhere are checking out my feet, bravery has become my middle name.

It all started on Friday.

My shoes had gone unnoticed most of the day. In fact, I had even received a few compliments on their cute style. They were a royal blue satin shoe with multiple colored geometric designs embroidered on them, a few beaded sequins on the toes. (to see a somewhat similar style, click here.)

Then I happened across the bearded woman. Standing about 6 feet from me, doubled over in laughter, I thought she was going to suffocate she was laughing so hard.

Can you believe I was laughed at by a woman sporting a beard??

So the story unfolds. For the next 45 minutes all focus was placed on my 'genie' shoes. People from far and wide across the plant made the treck to view my shoes. I can't imagine how so much emphasis can be placed on a pair of shoes!

Totally forgetting about the shoe thing from last Friday, I'm sitting in the middle of the production managers meeting when Joe asked if I was wearing my genie shoes today. Joe wasn't even here during the shoe incident. So, I ask, how in the heck do you know about my genie shoes?? Jim then mentions he heard about them all the way in Toppinabee. He seen something written about them on the wall in the men's bathroom in The Breakers. Carrie then told everyone she seen a pair that were similar in Penny's last weekend. Don't you just love that camaraderie we production managers share!! LOL

There you have it. The story behind the legend. They really are cute shoes, don't be surprised if you begin to see them everywhere.